Parking Meter
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack
over it upon which was written: "Broken."
A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in
the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer
began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a
nearby building.
"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter.
"There's plenty of time left!"
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Christian One Liners
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember,
Moses started out as a basket case.
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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until
you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live
one.
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The good Lord didn't create anything without a
purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
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When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives
there.
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People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the
middle of the road, and the back of the church.
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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on
your front door forever.
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Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect,
you couldn't belong.
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If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs
to pray for the one it has.
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God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he
is dead. So why should you?
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Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and
permanently set.
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Peace starts with a smile.
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I don't know why some people change churches; what
difference does it make which one you stay home from?!
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A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on
the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
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Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
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Forbidden fruits create many jams.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of
the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
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He who angers you, controls you!
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If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
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Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
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The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power
behind us.
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The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of
God will not protect you.
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We don't change the message, the message changes us.
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You can tell how big a person is by what it takes
to..........discourage him.
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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Expecting"
"How does Jamie like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," Ryan replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Danny pressed.
"Well, Ryan explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . .
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CleanQuote
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers
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"Logic"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
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If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,"DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue!
The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects and favorite pork-barrel projects like studying sneezing and the swimming habits of insects..
This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!
Simply send that letter back marked, "Return to Sender". If they inquire by phone, please don't use my name; I'm shy and modest about receiving the credit.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Resaturant Service
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was
crowded with fans watching a sporting event on
television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than
half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless
when suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if
someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Senior humor
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time
I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And
what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer
pressure."
--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older
than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
license.
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests. First,
she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over K-Mart. "K-Mart?" the preacher
exclaimed. "Why K-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my
daughters visit me twice a week."
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---It's scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffeemaker.
---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, "For fast relief."
---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for
women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns
of Putty."
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of
it as your inner child playing with matches.
---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get
back up.!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow
old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to
forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.