The Three Laws of Secure Computing
1) Don't buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.
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Cliches
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of a joke?"
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College students, at the end of a course, are often asked to fill out a
short questionnaire to evaluate the course on such things as the instructor,
text, and so forth. Here are some collected comments:
What's the quality of the text?
*Text is printed on high quality paper."
*Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
*Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."
*Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should
proofread it."
*I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the CDs that I used
while doing the problem sets.
Describe the Professor. Does he/she stimulate learning?
*He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
*Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!
*His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.
*This instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you
where to go, but you can never understand him.
*Recitations were great. It was so confusing that I forgot who
*I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever.
*I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got
a cool nest in the tree.
*Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all
directions - no way to stop it.
Was the class worthwhile to you? Did it cover all the material?
*The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.
*Hard to say. Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another?
That's the way I felt all term.
*Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.
*The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on
the final exam.
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A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town,
when they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch
their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I
know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great
deal."
The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do
some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature,
and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire
you should buy."
The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with
you guys? We have a spare tire in the trunk. Now all we have to do is start
swapping tires until we find the flat one."
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Backing the car out of the driveway will cause a child to have to go to the
bathroom.
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"Shopping Bags"
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
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CleanQuote
"Men take only their needs into consideration, never their abilities."
- Napoleon Bonaparte
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"Answered Prayer"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
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Waiting for the Bus
A person was visiting
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the person is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"
The person replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
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Hiccups Cure
Vern goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
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Three Wishes
Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in
The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in
The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the
Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."
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Three Wishes
Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in
The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in
The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the
Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."
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A Primer For Accordion Beginners
Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same.
Do not tell anyone what you have done. It will only cause them to worry.
They will find out soon enough.
Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is better if the
accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few
weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference.
For sounds to be produced, three things must happen. The third is the most
important:
1. The bellows must be moving in or out.
2. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed.
3. All potential weapons within a one mile radius must be collected and
secured.
The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C" button has a dimple
or nipple so you can find it without looking. This is a safety feature.
Before it was invented, thousands of accordion players suffered painful and
sometimes disabling injuries, much to the delight of the general public.
Never use more than three buttons. "Professional" accordionists appear to be
using lots of buttons but they are actually just desperately trying to find
the damned "C".
By the way, "Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do
it.
Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the bottom and the low
notes are at the top. That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense.
Accept it.
Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom,
you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair
it yourself. If the former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack
your accordion up with hundreds of dollars and mail it far away for a long,
long time.
Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life,
whichever comes first.
Put the accordion back in its case, order an accordion t-shirt and wear it
to your state's Accordion Fest