"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I
don't know the answer." -Douglas Adams
***
"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her
voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to
kill my father." -Wendy Leibman
***
"I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because
they don't require so much cooking." -Carrie Snow
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Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies were
talking about the stress of leaving their families. A senior
officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the
conversation and offered the following advice:
"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he
said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"
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The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first break-
fast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her
husband slowly savored each forkful.
"How was it, Honey?" she asked when he'd finished.
"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably
could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the
whole, it was a good start."
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More Vague Thoughts
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon. Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money. When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum. Is your holier side your altar ego? I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it three or five? What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?
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Daddy, were you in a war?
While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves. “Daddy, were you in a war?” “Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be. Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”
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A snail buys a fast new car
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?" The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
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Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman and asked the question, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?” Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do.”
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Psychology Course
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was
taking a psychology course at the university.
"Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in
the family."
"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology
until next semester."
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CollateralI accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo."Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said."But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained."Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
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"This week Britney Spears hit another photographer. If she
hits one more she gets a free medium Slurpee at 7-Eleven."
-Jimmy Kimmel
***
"It turns out that Barack Obama and Vice President Dick
Cheney are cousins. Honest to God, imagine how terrible it
would be to find out that you're related to a cranky old
guy. I mean, just ask my son." -David Letterman
***
"Remember 20 years ago, 'Baby Jessica'? She was the little
baby who was rescued after falling in a well. Huge story.
She's almost 21 now and will soon be getting a million
dollars from the funds set up with donations when she fell
down the well. She's getting a million dollars. In a related
story, earlier today, Senator John McCain threw himself down
a well" --Jay Leno
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A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked
if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost
the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.
The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony
and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I
can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message
at the tone."
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The old west was full of cowboys who were good cow-ordinators.
They had consider-a-bull talent, though sometimes they would
stirrup trouble. Sometimes they took hay to bed in order to
feed their night mares. One cowboy reached for his gun and
drew a blank. Eventually they would go off to a rodeo to try
and get a few bucks.
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Wedding Vows
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
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Hungry Robins
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. " Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me neither, let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "OK" said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
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Cornbread
On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food. One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley. Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted.