A Poem for Women
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him
Like his mother used to do.
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"They've just released a study that says in the next 30
years, there is a 97 percent chance that
will have an earthquake of magnitude 6.7 or greater. And
there's a 40 percent chance of either being run over or
attacked by Britney Spears. Things are pretty bleak."
-Jimmy Kimmel
***
"According to a new study, polar bears will probably be ex-
tinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can."
-Dave Letterman
***
"The legendary Ferris Wheel from Santa Monica Pier has just
been put on e-Bay. On sale to the highest bidder. If you're
not from the
Theater, or rehab." -Craig Ferguson
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A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out-
side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf
ball driven down his throat was being treated.
"Is he a relative of your's?" the nurse asked the pacing
golfer.
"No...It's my ball."
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After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the
neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear
and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their
sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said.
"Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"
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Ole Mac
A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.
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Management Quotes
A magazine recently ran a "management quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dysfunctional managers.
Here are the top ten finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in
2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)
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Won the Part
A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school's play. His father was really proud of him and asked, "So, what part did you get?"
The little boy replies, "I got the part of a man who's been married for 25 years."
His father congratulated him said “That’s good son. Maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”
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Black Spots
"Doctor, doctor, I see black spots!" Billy exclaimed.
The doctor puts some drops in Billy’s eyes. "How about now?" he asked.
"Now I see the spots better," he replied.
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At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
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Business Principles
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
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Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.
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Oneliner
"In this crazy world we live in, every 60 seconds a minute happens."