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Discussion
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
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Lemons
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
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Good Eyes
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up. "My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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OkraEverything you always suspected but could never get confirmed by a reputable news source."The Shocking Truth About Okra!"©1987, 2007 by Joe Hickman, editor and Doctor of OkraIt is a well-known fact that common garden insects will NOT eat okra. Neither will uncommon garden insects. That should tell you something.Some say okra is a vegetable; others say it's a fruit. Most people can't recall ever having said anything at all about okra. Except possibly, "Are those legless geckos sleeping near my mashed potatoes?"Even people who don't eat okra may find it useful -- for example, as a green plumb-bob for a vegetarian architect.A pod of okra on a gold chain makes an excellent conversation piece. You can tell everyone that's it's an Elk's tooth -- with plaque.Okra can be boiled, fried, steamed, or pickled. But no matter what you do to it, it still tastes exactly like okra.Remember, boiled okra is so slippery, you may think you're swallowing little green oysters.Consuming fried okra north of the Mason-Dixon line is considered gastric perversion and may lead close friends to refer to you as "magnolia breath."You campers will be happy to hear that dried okra makes great bio-degradable tent stakes.Please beware of the Great Okra Swindle. Certain unethical supermarkets are painting okra yellow and attempting to sell it as miniature Peruvian bananas. You can sure tell the difference in a banana pudding.Tom's note:For the curious, a picture of Okra can be found at this address:http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.fruits-vegetables-spices.com/lagre_vegetables/baby_okra.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.fruits-vegetables-spices.com/babyokra(bhindi).htm&h=278&w=245&sz=19&tbnid=78Ka4IuKVqGrCM:&tbnh=114&tbnw=100&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dokra%2Bphoto%26um%3D1&start=2&sa=X&oi=images&ct=image&cd=2+
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"There’s a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. What
would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I
need some Space Mountain." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the
Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said,
'Who's the bald chick in the dress?'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"Campaign news: Hillary Clinton, so far, has raised $35
million in three months. That's the most money raised by
any woman if you don't count what Oprah has made since
March." -Dave Letterman
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One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's
Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests
near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made
some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about
the conditions we might run into, we drove on.
Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain
Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles
farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles." The next one
was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.
We came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery,
and it read: "Ice 75 cents."
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When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite
friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who
had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,
with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship
might be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age
difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He
looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone
who's 104?'"
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Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
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Morris and his Rabbi
Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent." "What was the sin?" the rabbi asked. "It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread." "Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?" "I felt awkward Rabbi," said Morris. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant." The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?" "I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed." "And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked. Morris replied, "It was Yom Kippur."
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Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. - Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. - Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. - All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. - Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. - Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. - A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. - Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. - Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. - A harp is a nude piano. - Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing. - I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. - My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. - Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. - Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
