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A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What on earth are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for goodness sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go
off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use
secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves
as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction
have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."
The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would
say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain
of: though they continue to multiply, their days are
numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."
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A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.
One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids. It's three dollars a pound!'"
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Big Date
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met
the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week
later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had
gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."