"New Diet"
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Actually if ya think about it, you really don't need a whole lot of manners if you're driving a 35 ton truck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Tough Kids"
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.
"I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".
"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".
"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to
a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street
in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything
checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh
at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral
against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into
the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000
and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be
there when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vanishing Cream
by Robert Byron
I recently received a spam email claiming that a particular company
manufactured a cream that would firm up a person's buttocks without
exercise. I took the liberty of responding to the company with the following
email:
To whom it may concern,
I received your email today and wanted to take this opportunity to respond
to some of the statements you made in your message.
> Do you suffer from a saggy, unattractive buttocks?
No, but I do have double chin. Is it possible that your product could help
me?
> Wouldn't you love to have those firm buttocks you've always dreamed of?
Actually, my buttocks are just fine. Do you think your product can help me
with my double chin?
> Then you need our revolutionary Buttocks Firming Cream. 100% money back
> guarantee, no exercise required!
What I really need is a revolutionary Double Chin Firming Cream. I hadn't
thought about trying to exercise my double chin and I would be happy to hear
any suggested exercise techniques that you think might help.
Best regards,
Elle McPherson
Shortly afterwards, I received this reply:
Thank you for you inquiry regarding our Buttocks Firming Cream. At this
time, we do not recommend that you use this product on any part of your body
other than the buttocks region. The product has not been tested for or
approved for any other use other than those specifically stated in the
instructions. Use of the product in a manner that differentiates from the
directions will void any and all guarantees made by the manufacturer.
I waited a couple of days before responding with this:
To whom it may concern,
I wish I had read your response to my original email before ordering and
trying your Buttocks Firming Cream on my double chin. Let me say that I'm
sure it is an excellent product for the firming of flabby buttocks, as my
initial results in the reduction of my double chin were quite promising.
However, as time marched on, the cream actually began to shrink my head.
Yesterday, my head was reduced to the size of a baseball. Today it's about
the size of a golf ball. My coworkers are laughing at me and are calling me
"pinhead." Do you make an antidote for this product? I'll pay any price.
Please respond quickly for tomorrow may be too late.
Sincerely,
Elle McPherson
I'm still waiting for a reply.