The Lord's ArmyA friend was walking out of church in front of me, where he waited to shake hands with the pastor. The pastor grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. "You need to join the Army of the Lord," said the pastor."I already belong," said my friend."Well how come we don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"My friend whispered back confidentially, "I'm in the Secret Service."
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Noah's Ark:One -- Don't miss the boat.Two -- Remember that we are all in the same boat.Three -- Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.Four -- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.Five -- Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.Six -- Build your future on high ground.Seven -- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.Eight -- Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.Nine -- When you're stressed, float a while.Ten -- No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
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*Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons*
~ Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
~ See if a yawn really is contagious.
~ Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
~ Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
~ Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.
~ Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
~ Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
~ Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
~ Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
~ Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
~ Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 30 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
~ Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
~ By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
~ While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.
~ Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.
~ See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before your mother catches you.
~ Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.
~ Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.
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It's the time of the Old West.
A citizen of the town comes running into the saloon and screams, "Big Bad Bart is coming! Big Bad Bart is coming! We gotta get outta town."
Everyone gets up in a hurry and takes off as fast as they
can, including the saloonkeeper, who when hopping over the
bar slips on a beer and knocks himself unconscious.
When he comes to, he makes his way outside to see the
biggest, meanest man he's ever seen riding down the center
of the town on two buffaloes, whipping them with a
rattlesnake screaming, "Giddyup! Let's go, come on."
He makes his way over to the saloonkeeper, dismounts, and enters the saloon.
Breaking both doors off the hinges while entering, he walks
up to the bar, slams his fist down, breaking the bar in half and hollers, "Gimme some beer in a gallon jug."
After the saloonkeeper hands him the jug, he watches as the
man drinks it in three seconds flat.
When he's done with his drink, the man turns around to walk
out the door.
The saloonkeeper couldn't believe his eyes and wanted to
see him do it again. He asks him, "Don't you want another beer?"
The man turns around and says, "Heck no, Big Bad Bart is coming! I gotta get outta town!"
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A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine (e.g. "House" is feminine, "la maison"; "Pencil" is masculine, "le crayon").
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female --and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for immediate later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.
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Audi Alteram Parten
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained.
Translated it means "To hear the other party".
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if there
was anyone who didn't understand the rule.
Responded one man, "My wife".