Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device
that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free
service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via
some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask
you to PLEASE FOR [HEAVEN]'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED
IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE
SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR
VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD," THIS
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE
JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE
MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY
BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
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"What Don't You Have?"
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
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Today's CleanQuote
"Cheer up. Life isn't everything."
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Today's Illustration.
- "Faith and Suffering "
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
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Slap That Kid...
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me
twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said
to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse,
she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks
tomorrow.' "
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Um.....
A man answers the phone and has the following
conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought
to be more firm, but it is hard... Well, you know how
she is... Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember
you told me that she was a vile creature who would
make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry
her... You were perfectly right. You want to speak
with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife
in the next room: "Dianne, your mother wants to talk
to you!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Marti -- The Holy Alphabet...
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be
bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um.....
A man answers the phone and has the following
conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought
to be more firm, but it is hard... Well, you know how
she is... Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember
you told me that she was a vile creature who would
make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry
her... You were perfectly right. You want to speak
with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife
in the next room: "Dianne, your mother wants to talk
to you!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Marti -- The Holy Alphabet...
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be
bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!