The Art Collector
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
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"Hillary Clinton has proposed that 5,000 dollars be given to
every baby born in America. Five thousand dollars! Here's a
chance for Kevin Federline to make some real money. He could
get 30, 40 grand right there." -Jay Leno
***
"This week, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was the
victim of identity theft. By the time police arrested the
thief, he had already passed three ordinances and dedicated
a museum." -Conan O'Brien
***
"There's an article in Parade magazine encouraging Ben
Affleck to run for president. That would mean the first
lady would be Matt Damon." -Craig Ferguson
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A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first would you
marry again?"
"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but
I think eventually I would remarry."
"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house?"
"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home.
There is no reason to abandon it."
"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"
"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."
"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"
"Of course not! He's lefthanded!"
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"You know Bill O'Reilly is in a little bit of trouble with the black folks. ... He had dinner in Harlem with Al Sharpton -- he must have lost a bet -- and he discovered that black people use utensils when they eat. He said he was shocked and delighted to see there was no difference between a black-owned restaurant and a white-owned restaurant. Which is true, because apparently, they both serve crackers" --Bill Maher "Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven'" --Seth Meyers "The Democrats had a very big week this week. They tacked a hate crimes bill onto the war spending bill. ... Apparently, attacks on gays, they said, is also actually terrorism. I don't have time to explain how this bill works, but next year, General Petraeus will be eligible for a Tony." --Bill Maher "During a speech at Columbia University Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. As proof, he pointed out that the Iranian version of the Village People are just some people who live in a village." --Seth Meyers "The president of Iran was the laughing stock of the world this week when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, when he got on his Iranian airways jet to fly back home, the male flight attendant didn't speak to him the whole way. ... That's a pretty awful place to be gay. Did you know homosexuals are executed in Iran? ... But only if a homosexual act either between two men or two women is witnessed by four or more other men. That shows you the difference in our culture. ... Like in Iran, two women having sex witnessed by four men, that's called a capital crime. See, here, that would be called a bachelor party." --Jay Leno "In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno "Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you how to make your business run more efficiently?" --Jay Leno
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Dictionary of More Performance Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept. Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work. Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes. Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer. Listens well: Has no ideas of his own. Not a desk person: Did not go to college. Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use. Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors. Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life. Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn. Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors. Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
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Overloaded
My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem." My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
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Three Questions
A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks how much the barrister's rates are. The lawyer says fifty dollars for three questions. The man asks, "Isn't that awfully expensive" "Yes," the lawyer replies, "what's your third question?"
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Grandma Geek
My grandmother is a computer geek. She also has trouble
remembering quickly sometimes. One day she couldn't think of
what she wanted to tell us.
Mom explained, "Your grandma is trying to retrieve the
information, but it is taking awhile. Evidently she hasn't
defragmented her hard drive lately."
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Chief Norman Elgin witnessed the following during one of his inspections of CB Central Fire Barn, Brother Dan. Don’t you long for the old days and working with your fireman buddies doing things like flying model planes in the fire station, gourmet cooking, electric football games and getting cats out of trees?
Firefighter Dan is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. Fireman Dan walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," Dan says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl said. Fireman Dan looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," Dan says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, butthen, I wouldn't have a siren."