Illustration - "Prayer"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"
One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."
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Family Vacation
Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband
explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the
car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be
arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not
to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"
After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter
perked up. "Is it dark yet?"
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Werid News
Feral burros may be saved by collars
LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Residents of
Former rodeo rider Kim Terry says he and several neighbors think the reflective collars should make the animals more noticeable on busy roads at night, the Los Angeles Times reported.
Rhonda Leavitt said the collars are made from cheap belts, but they're not meant as a fashion statement.
"They don't care what they look like," she said. "And the belts reflect like you wouldn't believe."
Leavitt, 50, told the Times the burros are at risk when dry weather prompts them to search out new sources of water.
Riverside County Animal Control field services commander Rita Gutierrez told the Times the idea could save lives.
"It's a clever idea and it certainly can't hurt," she said.
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USC society wraps bike racks in cellophane
LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Skull and Dagger, an honorary society at the
Society members even wrapped up one campus cyclist, the Los Angeles Times reported.
"This one kid came up to us and yelled, 'You can't wrap up my bike!'" the anonymous Skull and Dagger member said. "He ended up getting wrapped up with his bike."
The prank targeted freshmen and sophomores with early-morning classes. One society member said the sleepy underclassmen were shocked.
"One kid was so sleepy he didn't even notice his bike was wrapped. He kept trying to pull it out," the member told the Times. "Once they realized what happened, they all took off running for class."
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Villages hope to black out millipedes
BALCHRICK, Scotland (UPI) -- People in three remote Scottish villages should try a World War II-style blackout in their war against inch-long invading millipedes, a property manager urges.
No one is sure why the millipedes have become so numerous recently. But in the last four years, thousands have appeared every spring in the villages on a tract of land owned by the John Muir Trust on the Sutherland coast, The Scotsman reports.
Cathel Morrison, land manager for the trust, said millipede experts suggest trying blacking out homes to deter the nocturnal insects.
The millipedes are harmless. They do not bite, spread disease or devour crops. And that is part of the problem. Authorities can offer little help in getting rid of them.
Experts say using thick curtains and dark shades to keep light from being visible through the windows after dark, might work because the millipedes are attracted to light. During the war, the blackout was imposed to keep British cities and towns invisible to German bombers.
Bridget Graham, the postmistress in Balchrick, said she plans to try it.
"I'll try anything," she said. "They are horrible. They start in April and last year they were still coming in in October."
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'Wayne
Michael Flight of Concordia Realty, the firm that manages the shopping mall where the spindle is located, said the cost to remove it was so high the decision was made to put it up for sale on eBay, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.
"The concrete isn't included. Just the cars and pole,'' Flight said. "If someone wants to buy it and give it a home, we're willing to sell it to them. Otherwise, we're planning on probably taking it down sometime this year."
The eBay listing starts the bidding at $50,000 and identifies it as "an internationally known roadside monument," in part for its appearance in the 1992 comedy.
Potential buyers beware -- the shipping costs for
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Making Cents of Football
Cletus took Maynard to his first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's Bench. After the game, Cletus asked Maynard how he liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," he replied, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, Cletus asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I mean, come on... it's only twenty-five cents!"
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Family Business
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law.
"Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
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Rude Parrot
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ”Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was incredibly upset now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey, lady!” it said.
“Yes?”
“You know.”
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New Tie
My husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that would match the color of his eyes. Does anyone know where I can buy a bloodshot tie?
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"Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced this
week he will not accept the nomination for vice president.
That's what he said. He will not accept the vice presidential
nomination. To which the cashier at Wendy's said, 'You want
a frosty with this, mister? People are waiting.'" -Jay Leno
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"In
banks while dressed as ninjas. If they're convicted the women
could be given 10 years in prison and a Lifetime movie of the
week." -Conan O'Brien
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"It's tax time. I saw this the other day: The United States
government takes a third of your money. A third. My God,
it's like being married to Heather Mills." -David Letterman
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My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth
on vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every
minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair
on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is
costing us $300 a day - and you sit there reading a book!"
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Dobbins lost his eye in an accident and couldn't afford the
price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he
was so self-conscious that he never left the house.
Finally, his friend Eddy came over and forced him to go out.
"There's a dance over at the club," he said. "So what if one
of your eyes is made out of wood?"
"All right," said Dobbins, "but if anybody makes fun of my
eye I'm leaving."
He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his
courage. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner.
She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.
"She's worse off than me," Dobbins thought. "The least I can
do is ask her to dance.
He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the
girl. "Would you care to dance?" he asked.
"Would I?!" she exclaimed.
"That does it," he shouted, "Hunchback! Hunchback!"