College Majors
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pick One
Our family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my
mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was
standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisle
one by one.
Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said,
"So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one
rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf.
The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's
house. The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her. The
old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway.
"Has she ever had a rope on her"?
"Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year!
The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast. As
soon as the rope went over the cow's head, she bolted. In a dead run, she
pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach, full length in the
mud, three times around the corral. The old cowboy finally got her stopped,
and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a
rope on her before!"
"I had a rope on her last year, and she did the same thing."
+++++++++++++++++++
A red head and a blonde were walking along in a park one morning. Suddenly, I noticed
a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," I said sadly.
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My dog and I are working on a new product. It's a combination toilet bowl
cleaner and dog breath freshener.
+++++++++++++++++++
Zookeeper's DilemmaA zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."No, that won't work, he thought and tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."
+++++++++++++++++++
What He Says - What He Means
- "I'm going fishing." Really means: "I'm going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
- "It's a guy thing." Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
-"Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
- "Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear." Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
- "It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
- "We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
- "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
- "That's interesting, dear." Really means: "Are you still talking?"
- "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
- "I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
- "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
- "You look terrific." Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.
- "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
+++++++++++++++++++
"The New York City subway system announced that it will hire
350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the
number of workers cleaning the subway to 350." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The National Hobo Convention opened yesterday in Britt,
Iowa. Planned activities include a parade, a flea market
and a knife fight over a bottle of hooch." -Jay Leno
***
"The Dalai Lama is here in the United States. This morning
he was awarded the congressional gold medal for his contri-
bution to peace, human rights, religious understanding...
unfortunately, a few hours after the ceremony, he was strip-
ped of his medal after testing positive for performance-
enhancing drugs." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of
Rutgers University.
The new flock of kids attending college always includes
those who need a little help with everyday chores they
themselves never did before, such as laundry or grocery-
shopping.
I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened
the carton to check them over before putting them in my
cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton...
then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing
of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The
personnel office sent this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one
broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
+++++++++++++++++++
Divorce vs. Murder
A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the
law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband at a fancy restauant, having dinner with the
pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now,
that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never have children, only grandchildren." - Gore Vidal
+++++++++++++++++++
Hut-2-3-4....
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"