A Lawyer Named Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
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Life Lesson Laws for Engineers
Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so. Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm. Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables. Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service. Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted. Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable. Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction. Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0. Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete. Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. Law #11: Interchangeable parts won't. Law #12: Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5. Law #13: Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25. Law #14: Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department. Law #15: Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible. Law #16: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded. Law #17: If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. Law #18: Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field. Law #19: If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor. Law #20: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice. Law #21: The rule for engineers: "Change the data to fit the curve."
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Fixed Sign
A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair
some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested
area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of
a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one
crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across
the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's
been waiting to cross?"
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Chocolate Ice Cream
A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate." "In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate." "Then just give me some chocolate," he insists. Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'" The man spells, "V A N." "Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'" "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate." The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate." "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.
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Sarge & the new recruits
One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge. A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities." The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"
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No Novacaine
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
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For The Kids...
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is a husband.