"Talking Dog"
A guy is driving around Wadsworth, Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's lying, he never did any of that stuff."
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Oneliner
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
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CleanPun - "Cheese"
There's nothing grate about sliced cheese.
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"How's this for a stupid idea? A California state senator has proposed an
amendment to the State Constitution that would lower the voting age to 14.
You know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds to vote? We'd probably
wind up with an action hero as governor of the state." - Jay Leno
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Magic of the Internet
My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the
magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask
Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.
Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the
keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is
Aunt Helen feeling?"
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"Votive Candles"
Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight.
The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one - which they did. She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. "Do you have any questions?" she asked.
"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."
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CleanQuote
"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."
- William James
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"Romance"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One day a young man was writing a letter to his girl friend who lived just a few miles away in a nearby town. Among other things, he was telling her how much he loved her and how wonderful he thought she was.
The more he wrote, the more poetic he became. Finally, he said that in order to be with her he would suffer the greatest difficulties, he would face the greatest dangers that anyone could imagine. In fact, to spend only one minute with her, he would climb the highest mountain in the world. He would swim across the widest river. He would enter the deepest forest and with his bare hands fight against the fiercest animals.
He finished the letter, signed his name, and then suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to mention something quite important. So he added:
P.S. I will be over to see you Wednesday night as long as it doesn't rain.