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Lengthy Sermon
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
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Thanks to MAK: *** 30 YEARS DIFFERENCE ***
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office
1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system
1973: Disco
2003: Costco
1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
1973: Whatever
2003: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", "de plane, Boss, de plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.
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One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"
"No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
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Newly assigned officers to a naval air station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a lieutenant commander, kind of became an uncle to a family's only four-year-old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday school. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.
This same little girl was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews' flight from Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, all the passengers with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot."
The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret, either through poor enunciators or from mumbling congregations. One little boy, always a classic joke, said, "Harold be Thy name." Two other lesser-known prayers, though, are a little girl saying, "Give us this day our jelly bread." Or the little New York boy who petitioned God to "Lead us not into Penn Station."
After hearing the Christmas story and singing "Silent Night," a Sunday school class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity might have looked like.
One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary, and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure. The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene, asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
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The Joy of Boys
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke -- lots of it.
9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old
boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with
without kid.
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical.
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
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Thanks to Li Mo -- We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God.
If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.
-- that's what rednecks are made of.
I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya`ll know who ya are...
You might be a redneck if. . .
It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God. . "
You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You bow your head when someone prays.
You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
You've never burned an American flag.
You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
If you got this email from me it is because I believe that you, like me have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email. God Bless the USA.
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Thanks to Li.Mo. for one of my wife's favorites...
Preacher...
The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"