"Birthday Greetings"
Seen on a birthday card.
Forget about the past, You can't change it.
Forget about the future, You can't predict it.
Inside:
Forget about the present, I didn't buy you one.
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CleanQuote
If you want the last word in an argument, say, "You're right."
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"Passion"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of tan-colored paper.
"Your name?" I asked.
"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
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A party of economists went climbing in the Alps. After several hours they
became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning
it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and
the sun.
Finally he said, "Okay, see that big mountain over there?" The others all
agreed that they did. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of
it."
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A salesman, engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town when
they get a flat tire. The three get out of the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I
know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great
deal."
The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do
some computations; figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature,
and the average rate of speed we will be traveling, to know what kind of
tire you should buy."
The technician just laughs and shakes his head, "No, no, no! What's wrong
with you guy's? We have a spare tire right in the trunk. Now all we have to
do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one."
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"When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my hometown. But not, like,
cremated or anything." - Mitch Berg
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"Rattlesnake Ammo"
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"