To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries With That.
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'
7. Finish All Your sentences with, "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream, "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot Yelling, "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity is to - Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
Live well, Laugh often, Love much....
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
History of
Nobel Peace Prize winner Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South
country like this:
When the white man came, we had the land and he had the
Bible.
He said, "Let us pray," so we all bowed our heads, closed
our eyes, and prayed.
And when we opened our eyes, lo and behold, we had the Bible
and he had the land.
But you know, we got the best deal!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"This week Starbucks is unveiling a new drink called a
Vivanno. Apparently Vivanno is the Italian word for 'You
just wasted $8.'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"I'm growing a mustache for Vegas Week. Lots of great Vegas
entertainers had mustaches...Robert Goulet...Sammy Davis, Jr
...
***
"Six Olive Garden waitresses have posed naked for the Play-
boy magazine. I'm thinking, come on, really? When I'm in
Olive Garden, I have trouble getting extra bread sticks."
-David Letterman
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue
over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me.
Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the
shoulder.
"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private
conversation."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Harry was never shy about reminding people that he played
semi-pro baseball.
"My teammates used to call me James Bond," he was telling
his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the
opposition."
"That and he batted .007," his wife added.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
M&M Genetics
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue
the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end,
I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That
is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner
gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher,
and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have
hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the
intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and
snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is
misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably
this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the
candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to
its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one
as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:
M&M Mars
A Division of Mars, Inc.
along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a
free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I
have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of
hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Letter from the Inside
An aging man lived alone in
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Emergency Number
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Philosophy Final
A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"
The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Romantic at Heart
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I’m a divorce lawyer."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bear Advisory
The California State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Tahoe, Mammoth, Arrowbear, and Whisky Flat areas.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.