Saturday, October 22, 2005

hUMOR For Oct. 22nd

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Parking ConcernWhile walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?""No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern."Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
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Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.
Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law
P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery!
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I'm a Moth
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Vegetarian. That's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'" - Andy Rooney
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Prison Library Books
THE GANGSTERS by Robin Steele
MY LIFE IN CRIME by Upton O. Goode
BAD MONEY by Count R. Fitz
YOU ALWAYS GET CAUGHT by Sue Nora Later
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Senior - ityAn older couple is lying in bed one morning, havingjust awakened from a good night's sleep.He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me.""Why not?" he asks.She answers back, "Because I'm dead."The husband says, "What are you talking about? We'reboth lying here in bed together and talking to oneanother."She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makesyou think you're dead?""Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
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More on Seniors...Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin topick up speed.I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it inthe food. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all! Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me,just don't have any film.I always know God won't give me more than I can handlebut there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite somuch. Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.If you look like your passport picture, you probablyneed the trip.Some days are a total waste of makeup.Middle age is when broadness of the mind andnarrowness of the waist change places.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.Junk is something you've kept for years and throw awaythree weeks before you need it.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you torecognize a mistake when you make it again.By the time you can make ends meet, they move theends.Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... youcan't live long enough to make them all yourself. I'vetried!! Have a Wonderful Day!
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Two WolvesOne evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about abattle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow,regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,superiority, and ego.The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy,generosity, truth, compassion and faith."The grandson thought about it for a minute and thenasked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the handsfree speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else inthe room stops to listen.MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes"WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautifulleather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and sawthe new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "$60,000"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all theoptions."WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house wewanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking$950,000"MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but justoffer 900,000."WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room arelooking at him in astonishment.Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"