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No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care. But she never gives up hope.
While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window. "Look," she whispered, "death row."
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I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
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Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.The blonde started laughing.This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
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Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
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Question and answer blonde jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die?A: Alone.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?A: Blow in her ear.Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?A: She drowns it.Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
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Thanks to WW: Paul Harvey: Why there's no flu vaccine.
The major pharmaceutical companies in the US provided almost 90% of the nations flu vaccine at one time.
They did this despite a very low profit margin for the product. Basically, they were doing us a favor. In the late 80's a man from North Carolina who had received the vaccine got the flu.
The strain he caught was one of the strains in that years vaccine made by a US company. What did he do? He sued and he won. He was awarded almost $5 million!
After that case was appealed and lost, most US pharmaceutical companies stopped making the vaccine.
The liability out weighed the profit margin.
Since UK and Canadian laws prohibit such frivolous law suits UK and Canadian companies began selling the vaccine in the US.
By the way...the lawyer that represented the man in the flu shot law suit was a young ambulance chaser by the name of John Edwards. .......and now you know the rest of the story.
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Thanks to my friend, LM in AR: This pretty much covers it!
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God
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Thanks to marti -- JESUS LOVES ME
Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow.
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME...
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go.
On through life, let come what may
He'll be there to lead the way.
CHORUS)
Though I am no longer young,
I have much which He's begun.
Let me serve Christ with a smile,
Go with others the extra mile.
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."
(CHORUS)
When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.
(CHORUS)
I love Jesus, does he know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.
If you think this is neat, please pass it on to all of your friends.
If you do not pass it on, nothing bad will happen, but you will have missed an opportunity to "Reach out and Touch" a friend or a loved one.
God Bless Us All !!!
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Thanks again to C.J. -- HE PACKED A LIBRARY
A story was told of a young man who was preparing to take a long trip. He told his friend, "I am just about packed I have to put in: a guide book, a mirror, a microscope, a lamp, a telescope, volume of fine poetry, a package of old letters, a few biographies, a book of psalms, a sword, a hammer, a set of books I've been studying."
You can't get all that in your bag said his friend.
"Oh! yes, I can he replied," and with that he placed his Bible in the corner of his suit case and closed the lid. --Unknown
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Thanks to Joel Hendon (jhhendon@mindspring.com) and his HOUSEHOLD OF FAITH EZINE -- I highly recommend his free publication!
One in every four Americans has some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you!
Anywhere is within walking distance, if you've got the time.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Don't forget, National Atheism Day: April 1st.
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From LameJokes -- A Dirty Trick
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, so he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer..."
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Hesitant Driver
A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete
stop on the freeway on-ramp.
The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally a furious voice
from the vehicle behind him cried, "Hey, fellow! The sign says 'Yield,' not 'surrender!'"