Baseball
I was pondering a baseball. I was wondering "Why is it
getting larger and larger?"
Then it hit me.
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Telemarketers
I used to hate it when telemarketers would call but nowadays I
welcome them with open arms. Their calls are opportunities for me to
turn the tables and inconvenience them instead of them
inconveniencing me. Perhaps they have now blacklisted me because I
don't get as many calls as I used to but when my caller ID box shows
"Private Caller" my adrenaline rushes and I am ready to play.
One of the new ploys that telemarketers are using is to call you
electronically. You pick up the phone to hear a recorded voice say,
"Please stay on the line for an important message." They actually
expect you to wait on hold while they take their sweet time before
getting around to selling you something.
The last time I got one of these calls, I put on some classical
music and waited for someone to greet me. As soon as I heard the
telemarketer say hello, I said in my best radio advertiser voice,
"Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. Our next
available representative will be with you shortly." I let the music
play and would repeat those phrases at thirty second intervals.
Finally I turned off the music and said, "Hello?"
"Hello, this is Jane with Allied Travel. How are you today?"
"Well, my gouts been acting up, I've got terrible hemorrhoids, I've
got poison ivy on the bottom of my feet and I just ate a pizza so
the heartburn will be coming on soon."
"I'm sorry to hear that sir but I'm calling to tell you about some
of our exciting travel packages that ..."
I interrupted her, "You don't really care about how I'm doing, do
you?"
"Why, sure I do?"
"You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"
"Well sir, I can't do that right now. I have to call people and tell
them about our travel packages."
"You can use my phone. Come on over."
"I'm afraid I can't do that."
"You don't like me do you?"
"Of course I like you sir."
"So why won't you come over?"
"Well, I'm working."
"I got some pork rinds and some Pepsi and I could fry up a little
fatback if you'd like."
"Boy, that sounds real tempting but I'll have to take a rain check
on that."
"Okay, how about tomorrow then?"
"I can't. I'm working."
"How about the day after tomorrow then?"
"Actually sir, I'm not supposed to get too personal with the people
I call."
"Why'd you ask me how I was doing then?"
"That's just a courtesy."
"You don't like me do you?"
"Yes sir. I like you just fine."
"So ... You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"
(click
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Boy, Officer and Squirrel
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one
hand and a squirrel in the other.
"Now listen here," the policeman said, "whatever you do to
that poor, defenseless creature, I shall personally do to
you."
"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss 'im and let 'im
go."