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Only the Best!
My daughter goes to extremes in caring for her new sports car. One
afternoon we went to get gas. When the attendant asked what kind, she said, "Unleaded -- super. The best you have. And check the oil, please."
When the man found the car needed a quart, he asked, "What kind do you use?"
"I just want the finest," she said. "Whatever it costs. And look at the radiator too. It might need water."
"What does it take," the attendant inquired, "Perrier?"
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"What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man lying on the sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor.
The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Well, the last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took one look at her and said, 'Well, Honey, ... at least you tried.'"
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A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."
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A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter, the only problem, was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.
He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."
No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?
Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."
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Yet another "technial support"...
Monday, June 11, 2001
True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
Caller:
"Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech:
"Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller:
"The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech:
"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller:
"Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech:
"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller:
"It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '24X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
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I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
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The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions: Why did God make mothers?
She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
Mostly to clean the house.
To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
We're related.
God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
His last name.
She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
She got too old to do anything else with him.
My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
Mothers don't do spare time.
To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
About 30 years.
You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
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Thanks to LBS: Inner Peace
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner
peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have
finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake. I feel
better already.
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Thanks to DA: Fish Story
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in
northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the
crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the
boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am.
What are you doing?
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you
in and write you up."
If you do that! , I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault, says the woman.
"But I haven't touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS. IT'S LIKELY
SHE CAN ALSO THINK.
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Thanks to J&G B: Here is a math trick so unbelievable
that it will stump you.
1. Grab a calculator (you won't be able to do this one
in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number
(NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?
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Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE 28 -- FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
He who angers you, control you! Always keep this one
in mind.
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember,
moses started out as a basket case.
Some people are kind, polite. sweet -spirited---UNTIL
you try to sit in their pews.
Many folk want to serve God, BUT, only as an adviser.
When you get to your wit's end. you'll find Gog lives
there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the
middle of the road, and the back of the church.
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An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"
Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
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An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"
Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"