”Authentic Amusing Headlines”
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find--- The Los Angeles Times
Light' meals are lower in fat, calories-- Huntington Herald-Dispatch
Alcohol ads promote drinking-- The Hartford Courant
Infertility unlikely to be passed on--- Montgomery Advertiser
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link--- Cornell Daily Sun
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut--- The New York Times
Malls try to attract shoppers-- The Baltimore Sun
Official: Only rain will cure drought-- The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty-- Newsday
Man shoots neighbor with machete-- The Miami Herald
Economist uses theory to explain economy-- Collinsville Herald-Journal
Bible church's focus is the Bible-- Saint Augustine Record, Florida
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear-- Journal of Commerce
Lack of brains hinders research-- The Columbus Dispatch
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"Airport Mistletoe"
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
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Iraqi Baseball Player
A Minnesota Twins scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play baseball and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the states. Two weeks later the Twins are in a close game with the Indians. The manager gives the young Iraqi reliever the nod and on he goes. The kid is a sensation, he strikes out everyone he faces for the rest of the game and wins it for the Twins! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media loves the new star. When the player comes off the field he phones his mom to tell her about his first day in the Majors. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for three innings today, I was called from the bullpen with the bases loaded but I struck out everyone I faced , and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me." " Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time." The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Minneapolis in the first place!"
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Bible Exam
"Why do you keep reading the Bible everyday?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather. "Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Grandpa.
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Alcohol Consumption Warning
- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. - The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your behind kicked. - The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees. - The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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Deer Nuggets
Did you know deer nuggets are cheaper than chicken nuggets? Chicken nuggets are $1.49, but deer nuggets are under a BUCK
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Lazy
My brother Vern is so lazy he won’t empty the trash in the computer recycle bin!
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I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
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Santa A Guy?"
I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they--with amazing calm--call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:~ Men can't pack a bag.~ Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.~ Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.~ Men don't answer their mail.~ Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."~ Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.~ Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick.
Not a chance.
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Bus Driver's Christmas
I am a bus driver for high school kids. It is Christmas
time, and the kids have all given me cards and presents.
Now I'm thinking, "Man, I must be a good driver, and the
kids even like me."
I'm now home from work and have started to open the cards.
On the inside of one card it says, "Thanks for not killing
us yet. We really appreciate it."
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A Letter from Santa
by Robert Byron
Dear Robeo,
I am writing in reply to your letter dated November 18th of this year. I
will start by saying that future correspondence regarding Christmas requests
should be postmarked before midnight on November 15th to insure
consideration before December 24th. Please keep in mind that this is a busy
time of year for my staff and myself and we like to have all orders filled
before our November 15th deadline as we begin loading the sleigh on the
16th.
Your request to have "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" cannot be
processed at this time. I am but one man and as "magical" as I am, this is
not a request that I can fulfill. I do not have any pull at the United
Nations or NATO and I am not in the business of enforcing peace throughout
the world. I can assure you however, that any persons involved in the act of
prohibiting "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" will receive sticks
for Christmas. Coal is no longer distributed as it is now a valued commodity
and distribution of this substance could be construed as a true and real
gift.
In the future, please limit your requests to tangible items, i.e., bicycles,
candy, rocking horses etc. Because there is limited space on the sled and
because the sled is only powered by eight tiny reindeer, I respectfully ask
that you not request new cars or houses as these requests will not be
granted. I hope you understand that I must be able to fit gifts for the
entire world into the sled.
Also, requests for cash will not be granted. The items I deliver are
handmade by elves and it would be in violation of the laws of all nations to
manufacture currency. I'm sure you realize that I am not going to put my
staff or myself in a position that would result in incarceration.
If you would like to submit a revised request, please feel free to do so.
All requests are honored on a first come, first serve basis and will be
filled only if time permits. If your request cannot be accommodated this
season, it will be submitted at the top of next season's list.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho,
Santa Clause
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"Christmas Card Blues"
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.
They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror --- wearing nothing but a camera!
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"Reindeer Answer"
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
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Red Wagon
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures. Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."
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