Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting
older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of
mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't
remember whether I need to put it away or start making a
sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on
the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was
on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that
problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the
table. Then she told them, "That must be the door; I'll get
it!"
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"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of
kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
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"Biggest Lie"
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over
their eyes?
Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on
the job?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a
ham-hock?
If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep
use to make sweaters?
If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you
make with it?
If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?
What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would
it be 'Yea when humans fly'?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
Why can't pigs look up into the sky?
Why do pigs have curly tails?
Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from
Guinea nor are they pigs?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?
Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a
pig is to cure it?
Would a small pig be called a hamlet?
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"Naturally Born"
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States.
After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand.
"Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"
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Oneliner
"Responsibility: Something you should accept if, and only if, they have irrefutable photographic evidence."
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CleanPun - "Heroes"
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
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While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the
students asked me how to spell the word "piranha." I told him I was unsure.
To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.
That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up?
She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
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"Golf Survey"
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
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CleanQuote
"The mystery of the humanity of Christ, that He sunk Himself into our flesh, is beyond all human understanding."- Martin Luther, Table Talk
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"Our Greatest Need"
If our greatest need had been information, God would have sent us an educator; If our greatest need had been technology, God would have sent us a scientist; If our greatest need had been money, God would have sent us an economist; If our greatest need had been pleasure, God would have sent us an entertainer; But our greatest need was forgiveness, so God sent us a Savior.
Source Unknown.