"Movie Impatience"
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Always keep several get well cards on the mantle - if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Returned Glasses"
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rules for Flori-DUH Driving
1. Never, EVER slow down when a light turns yellow. If
you're within half a block of a stop light when it turns
yellow, put the pedal to the metal.
2. When attempting to enter a street from any parking lot,
make sure that at least the front third of your car is
sticking out into the nearest lane.
3. When it starts raining, completely lose your ability to
drive and act as if you've never done it before.
4. Using your turn signals is absolutely prohibited, except
in limited circumstances, such as when you're five feet from
the corner. NEVER use your signal when you're making a right
turn and someone is waiting to pull out into YOUR lane.
5. A red light is not TRULY red until five seconds after the
yellow light goes out.
Taken from "Cool but useless stuff" on the back of the FBA
Youth's bulletin "Powerline."
+++++++++++++++++++
THE PREACHER HEARD the sound of someone clipping their nails during the course of his sermon...
The sound was disruptive to both preacher as well as congregation, so the preacher scanned the assembly in an effort to find the "guilty party." Suddenly, the preacher discovered the culprit. It was the song leader, but he wasn't clipping his fingernails, but his toenails!
Before you laugh, let me ask a hard question. Is it any less disruptive, any less disrespectful, when we busy ourselves by playing with babies, talking, flipping through the song book, etc. during the time when God is speaking to us through His Word through the preacher (1 Cor. 2:1-5)?
THOUGHT: Christian, when the Word of God is being taught, are you listening?
KneEmail: "He who has ears to hear, let him hear" (Matt. 13:9).
Bible reading for 03.07.07: Deuteronomy 17 - 20
+++++++++++++++++++
One golfer says to the other, "Well, you're certainly coming up in the
world, playing golf with not one, but two caddies!"
"Oh, it was my wife's idea."
"Your wife's?"
"Yeah. She thought I should spend more time with the kids."
+++++++++++++++++++
We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered
with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a
table. When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster
of Superman standing in a phone booth.
She looked puzzled. "She doesn't know who Superman is?" I whispered to my
husband.
"Worse," he replied. "She doesn't know what a phone booth is."
+++++++++++++++++++
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
+++++++++++++++++++
Minnesodans Are you aware that Jeff Foxworthy is now picking on Minnesoda? Read on. (pretty funny and accurate) Part 1
1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
you might live in Minnesoda.
2. If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation,
you might live in Minnesoda.
3. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from October through April,
you might live in Minnesoda.
4. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year,
you might live in Minnesoda.
5. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,
you might live in Minnesoda.
6. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead,
you might live in Minnesoda.
7. If you have ever worn shorts and a heavy parka at the same time,
you might live in Minnesoda.
8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
you might live in Minnesoda.
9. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number,
you might live in Minnesoda.
Part 2
You know you're a true MINNESODAN when . . 1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-35. 2. You measure distance in hours. 3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. 4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings). 7. You install security alarms on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them. 9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 11. You know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent. 13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. 14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. 15. Down South to you means Ohio. 16. A brat is something you eat. 17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn. 18. You go out to a fish fry every Friday. 19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." 22. You drink pop and bake with soda. 23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine. 24. You can actually drink Vernors without coughing. 25. You know what a the Northwest Notch is. 26. You think owning a Honda is Un-American. 27. You know that Ufdah is an friendly expression, not an obscenity. 28. You know Hugo is a town, not some illegal Mexican packing plant worker. 29. You understand that when visiting Austin, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest. 30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesoda friends.