"Parting Words"
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."
"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."
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Today's Oneliner
"Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?"
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Thanks to a retired Air Force officer for sending this
"paraphrase" of a memorable public safety announcement from
Alaska Air flight attendants...
"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend,
and the flight attendant reading the flight safety
information had the whole plane looking at each other like
'what the heck?' (Getting Seattle people to look at each
other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took
out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't
forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most
of it."
Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to
San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in
the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco,
you're about to have a really long evening.
We'd like to tell you now about some important safety
features of this aircraft.
The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane
is... the flight attendants. Please look at one now.
There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front,
two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If
you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store
your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.
Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest
exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In
the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll
be glad you did. (This is excellent advice, and something I
always do.) We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that
will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along
the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things
will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose
and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag
won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise.
If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is
acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put
on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more
children, please take a moment now to decide which one is
your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way
down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the
safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan
when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good
fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and
play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are
fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a
pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because
you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is
also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming
from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put
you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two
smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold
on, let me check what it is .... Oh here it is; the movie
tonight is Gone with the Wind.
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and
it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid
of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press
the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading
light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection
button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank
you for choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and
your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more
comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.
If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a
standing ovation, wouldn't you?
After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International
Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the
captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the
Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.
At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the
gate. So please don't even try.
Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift
happens."
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Getting Closer
Our son is in the Army, stationed in Georgia. He invited my husband
and I for a visit.
After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an
entrance to Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, "We're getting closer."
"How do you know?" I asked.
He pointed to a sign that read:
Sonny's Bar-B-Q
Tank Parking Available
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Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake everyday.
One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot, so that we can come back here tomorrow."
The next day, as they were driving to rent the boat,the first guy
asked his friend,"Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied,"Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said,"You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today?!?"