"Happy Songs"
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
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Oneliner
Municipal golf course sign: "Please don't find lost balls until they stop rolling."
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"Bird Puns"
Some of these are pretty bad.
What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird.
Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a nest-cafe.
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play.
What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English.
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk you ear off.
What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A great walkie-talkie.
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Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."
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Young Businessman
A young businessman had just started his own business. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He was shouting huge figures and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I'm here to install the phone!"
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Isn't It True?
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
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$100 Prayer
A little boy wanted $100 so badly that he prayed for two weeks. But nothing happened; so he decided to write God a letter asking for the money.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to "
The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read; "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money.
"However, I noticed that for some reason you had it sent through
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Bikers
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three
Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette
into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old
man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old
man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the
diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the
waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either.
He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
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The rich aunt was hurt and said to her nephew, "I'm sorry you don't like
your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a small check."
"I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you were
talking about neckties."
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The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a
one-room schoolhouse, which the buyer converted into a tavern.
One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his grandson. The old
man pointed to the building and said, "That's where I used to go to school."
"Really?" asked the boy. "Who was the bartender then?"
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up,
he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
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Thoughts on Exercise (to start the new year)
- I joined a health club last year, spent a lot of money on the membership, but haven't lost any weight. Apparently, you have to show up.
- If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing
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Colosseum
A husband and wife, vacationing in
Colosseum.
"Now, this room," said the guide, "is where the slaves dressed to
fight the lions."
"But how does one dress to fight lions?" inquired the husband.
"Very slow-w-w-w-w-w-ly," replied the guide.
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"An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past
eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford
university and living in their dorms, even though she was
not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight
months. Hey, that's nothing. I pretended to be a student
for four years!" -Jay Leno