Rice Preference
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."
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Yogurt
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
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Algebraic Answering Machine Message
Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks) 10Q You're welcome!
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In a department store, Sandra and a patient clerk were having a hard time
getting together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable. Finally, Sandra
said in annoyance, "Can't you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"
"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you coming and left."
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Signs That An Athlete Is Using A Banned Substance:
Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker,
although he's on the chess team.
Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's
French Open.
Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 and the Preakness.
Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable seconds in
the 100-meter freestyle.
His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."
Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.
Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.
Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.
Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.
Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."
Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to "Old Man River."
Forget Nike and Reebok-he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.
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I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
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The commander of the C-141 was in a hurry to fly out of the U.S. air base in Thule, Greenland. But everything was working against him. The truck to pump the sewage from the plane was late, and then the airman pumping out the tank was taking his time. The commander berated the lowly airman, threatening to have him punished. Turning to the officer, the airman said, "I have no stripes, it's 40 degrees below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I'm pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just how do you plan on punishing me?" -- James Stilwell
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Sitting at a stoplight, I was puzzling over the meaning of the vanity plate on the car in front of me. It read "Innie." Then I got it. The make of the car was Audi. -- Kathy Johnson
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While waiting in line for the Tilt-A-Whirl, I overheard my two nephews arguing. "Aunt Staci's going with me!" insisted Yoni."No," said his brother, "she's going with me!"Flattered at being so popular, I promised Yoni, "You and I can go on the merry-go-round.""But I want you on this ride," he protested. "Why?" "Because the more weight, the faster it goes." -- Staci Margulis, Chicago, Ill.
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The DVD player had conked out and we weren't able to watch the movie we'd rented. Then my husband had a brilliant idea: "Why don't we use the PlayStation?" We pushed all the buttons, but couldn't get it to work, so we gave up and went upstairs. We were reading in bed when our 17-year-old son appeared in our doorway."Someone left a DVD in my PlayStation," he said."We were trying to watch a movie on it," my husband admitted, "but we couldn't get past the parental control screen." "What a shame," our son said as he smiled and closed the door. -- Connie Ames
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"The day after Thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day of
the year. I went out. It was aggressive. I got pushed, I
got shoved, I got groped. Heck I'm going back tomorrow!"
--Dave Letterman
***
"Are you like me and on Thanksgiving you really didn't give
thanks until the relatives went home?" --Jay Leno
***
"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a
game of charades." -Demetri Martin
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Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner
had to call an electrician, a roofer and a carpenter. One
afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's
truck in the driveway.
"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be
having an affair."
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Q. What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered
a martini?
A. Olive or twist?
I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for
beetles?" I asked the clerk.
"No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."
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Misheard Christmas Lyrics
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: - Olive, the other reindeer. - Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say - Sleep in heavenly peas - In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown - You'll go down in listerine - Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay - Come, froggy faithful - You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require" \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
A Nice Boy?
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
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Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
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