While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the
students asked me how to spell the word "piranha." I told him I was unsure.
To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.
That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up?
She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
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In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy,
it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work.
So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic
accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, "Soldiers shall no
longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle."
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What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better
understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he
first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his
ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a
frenzied crowd?" He thought for a moment and then said, "I would pass an
offering plate."
He got the job.
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Answers from Elementary School Age Children.
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
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Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is
not.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a friend: Do Not
Do not ride in automobiles: they are responsible for
20% of all fatal accidents. . .
Do not stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the
home. . .
Do not walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all
accidents occur to pedestrians. . .
Do not travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all
accidents happen on these. . .
Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in
church, and these are usually related to previous
physical disorders. . .
Hence the safest place for you to be at any time is at
church! See you Sunday! author - unknown...
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Thanks again to M/M Riverrats: Growing old is fun
I am a senior citizen.
I am the life of the party even when it lasts until
8:00 p.m.
I am very good at opening childproof caps with a
hammer.
I am usually interested in going home before I get
where I'm going
I am good on a trip for at least an hour without my
aspirin, beano and antacid.
I am the first one to find the bathroom whereever I
go.
I am awake many hours before my body allows me to get
up.
I am smiling all of the time because I can't hear a
word you're saying.
I am very good at telling stories - over and over and
over.
I am so cared for: long term care, eye care, private
care, dental care.
I am not grouchy - I just don't like traffic, waiting,
crowds, kids and politicians.
I'm sure that everything I can't find is in a secure
place somewhere.
I am wrinkled, saggy and lumpy and that's just in my
left leg!
I am realizing aging is not for sissies.
I am anti-everything now, anti-fat, anti-smoke,
anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
I am walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it
less.
I am sure they are making adults much younger these
days.
I am in the initial state of my golden years - SS,
CD's, IRA's, AARP.
I am wondering if you are only as old as you feel, how
could I be alive at 160?
I am supporting all movements now by eating bran,
prunes and raisins.
I am a walking storeroom of facts - I just lost the
storeroom.
I am a senior citizen and I am having the time of my
life.
You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow
old when you stop laughing.
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Thanks to LBS: The King's Highway
Once upon a time, a king had a great highway built for
the people who lived in his kingdom. After it was
completed, but before it was opened to the public, the
king decided to have a contest. He invited as many of
his subjects as desired to participate. The challenge
was to see who could travel the highway the best, and
the winner was to recieve a box of gold.
On the day of the contest, all the people came. Some
of them had fine chariots, some had fine clothing and
fancy food to make the trip a luxurious journey. Some
wore their sturdiest shoes and ran along the highway
on their feet to show their skill. All day they
traveled the highway, and each one, when he arrived at
the end, complained to the king about a large pile of
rocks and debris that had been left almost blocking
the road at one point, and that got in their way and
hindered their travel.
At the end of the day, a lone traveler crossed the
finish line warily and walked over to the king. He was
tired and dirty, but he addressed the king with great
respect and handed him a small chest of gold. He said,
"I stopped along the way to clear a pile of rocks and
debris that was blocking the road. This chest of gold
was under it all. Please have it returned to its
rightful owner."
The king replied, "You are the rightful owner."
"Oh no," said the traveler, "This is not mine. I've
never known such money."
"Oh yes," said the king, "you've earned this gold, for
you won my contest. He who travels the road best is he
who makes the road better for those who will follow."
Remember those words of wisdom as you travel the road
of life! - Author Unknown
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Top 10 Ways to Deal With Stressful
Lives
1. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and
vice-versa.
2. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on the
pot.
3. When someone says, "Have a nice day!" tell them
you have other plans.
4. Make a list of "things to do" that you have
already done.
5. Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals.
6. Have "Out to Lunch" tattooed on your forehead.
7. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return
it the next day.
8. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
9. Make up a new language and use it to ask people
for directions.
10. Replace the cream filling of a Twinkie with
ketchup, slip the snack cake bX-Mozilla-Status: 0009nd
sit it on the kitchen counter. Now all you have to do
is wait and watch.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lost"
Steve took his new wife camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.
One day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. Steve tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), the direction of the sun (it was an overcast day).
Just as his wife was beginning to panic, Steve spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, then turned and led his wife right back to their camp.
"That was terrific," she said, impressed. "How did you do it?"
"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."