Lullabye
A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he
overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend
you're asleep, he stops."
+++++++++++++++++++
Military Humour
Wit & Wisdom – a War of Words…
“A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.” - Jon McBride, astronaut
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.” - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
“A smooth landing is mostly luck. Two in a row is all luck. Three in a row is prevarication.” - Anonymous
“Aim towards the Enemy.” - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.” - Anonymous
“Any ship can be a minesweeper… Once.” - Anonymous
Basic Flying Rules: “Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.” - Anonymous
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” - USAF Ammo Troop
“Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.” – U.S. Navy Swabbie
“Don't draw fire. It irritates the people around you.” - Your Buddies
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” - Infantry Journal
“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.” - Anonymous
“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.” - Anonymous
“I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.” - Anonymous
“If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.” – Sea King helicopter pilot, Canadian Air Force
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” - Infantry Journal
“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.” - Anonymous
“If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.” – Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” - USAF Ammo Troop
“If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.” - Infantry Journal
“It is generally inadvisable to eject... directly over the area you just bombed.” - U.S. Air Force Manual
“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we never left one up there!” - Anonymous
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” - Anonymous
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” - Unknown Marine Recruit
“Never trade luck for skill.” - Anonymous
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” - Joe Gay
“Progress in airline aviation: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.” - Anonymous
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.” - Anonymous
“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world. It can just barely kill you.” - Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
“There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.” - Blue water Navy truism
“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.” - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.” - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base (Kadena, Japan)
“Tracers work both ways.” - U.S. Army Ordnance
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” - Infantry Journal
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.” - Anonymous
“What’s the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.” - Anonymous
“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.” - Anonymous
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” - U.S. Marine Corps
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” - General Macarthur
“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.” - Anonymous
“You, you, and you - panic. The rest of you, come with me.” - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.” - Anonymous
“You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.” - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, “What happened?”
The pilot's reply: “I don't know, I just got here myself!” - Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
+++++++++++++++++++
Irish Virgin
If you can’t take it with you, talk to a postman…
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
“BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows:
“RETURNED UNOPENED”
+++++++++++++++++++
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
Snow good to have too much fun in the snow!
Reality check for those who like snow…
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for seven hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Bloody snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, did my thing and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob (who has a plow on his truck) for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the twit is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the blasted friggin’-fracker who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the blasted snowplow.
December 25: Merry Friggin’ Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a friggin’ idiot. If I have to watch “It's a Wonderful Life” one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him. He only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The !=3D@x@!x!x1 wife is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars. Not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rear end. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?