Our Town Is So Small...
- Our city limits signs are both on the same post! - The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell - The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch - The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2 - The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions - The phone book has only one page - There's nothing doing every minute - The ZIP code was a fraction - Second Street is in the next town over - There's no place to go that you shouldn't - A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes - The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog - The New Year's baby was born in October
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Rottweiler and IRS
Question: What is the difference between an overzealous IRS agent and a Rottweiler? Answer: The Rottweiler will let go, eventually.
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Forced Landing
A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had
radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few
miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane
standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge
to his professional reputation.
With determination, full flaps and engine just above the
stall, he maneuvered into the field. Climbing out, he
shouted angrily to the trainee, "Just how did you manage to
get into such a small field?"
"I landed in the big field over there," the trainee
explained, "but in order to leave room for you, I had the
farmer tow me here."
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No Drinking and Smoking
A Grandmother was talking to her young grandson, trying to explain the dangers of smoking. “Now Johnny,” she said, “you have to promise Grandma that, once you’re a grown man, you will never smoke, and never drink.” “Never, Grandma?” asked little Johnny. “Never, boy, not even once,” replied the grandmother. With his eyes wide as saucers, Johnny asked “But won’t I get thirsty?”
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Make Me One with Everything
A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, “Make me one with everything.” The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at him and said, “Change comes from within.” With a wistful smile, the monk walked away.
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"Today is the 75th anniversary of the Empire State Building.
This is a great historic fact. The Empire State building is
the only American landmark to have ever had a giant ape on
top of it. Unless you count Maria Shriver as a landmark."
--Dave Letterman
***
"There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn
about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father
nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can't
imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me
how to have sex." --Bob Smith
***
"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a
teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking,
and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash-
trays for Mother's Day." --Paul Clay
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On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the
reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After
all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"'
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my
husband's spelling."
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Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana
works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the
things candidates list is their high school and when they
attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name
of his high school, followed by the dates attended: Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
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I’m The Boos
The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn´t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I´m the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
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"Locked Out"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A goober notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how she is faring.
The goober outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the goober inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a little more to the right..."
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Oneliner
"Our goal to promote a non-threatening and productive office environment is to establish language that is gender-neutral, ethnic-neutral, and age-neutral while celebrating our spirit of diversity."
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CleanPun - "Talking Dog"
I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!"
When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."
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”Solution for Sally”
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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Dr. Seuss, Tech Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report... If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,Then your situation's hopeless and your system's going to crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house,Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM...Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.