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The Girl of His Dreams
A young man in college called his mother and announced excitedly that he
had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to
dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
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Wooden Bayonet
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier.
At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it."
The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where on earth is the ceiling?!'"
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Star Wars Eating
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Anyway, poor old Luke is having a hard time, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
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Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the
Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.
Darwin Award Winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for
his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his
Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably,
he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store,
a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor
home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these
with your friends and family ... unless of course one of
these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
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Older Than Dirt Quiz
Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones
you were told about! The Ratings are at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard
stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (ESsex 3 -
2654) My Folks actual Phone Number when I was a kid
living in Bremerton.
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packard's
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0- 05 = You're still young
6-10 =You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age,
16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends.
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Simpler times
(Under 40, you won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
Good night, David; Good night, Chet."
Dependin' on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothin is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white
In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right
Life was better in black and white!
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THAT FIRST KISS
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his
favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he
decides to try for that important first kiss. With an
air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout
a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will
see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the
girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair
disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad
says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it.
Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But
for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the
intercom button!"