A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first
time. He was struggling with the language and didn't
understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to
visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but he
eventually got back on track and found the place. Having
arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew
left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick
someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the
man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the
man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped
too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit
stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper,
he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit
didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to
look just like that man in the front pew. Then he perceived
that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped,
so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so
the recruit clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand
and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too.
Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few
people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was
standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door
shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the
missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the
preacher, the preacher said, in English, "I take it you
don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied, "No, I don't. It's that
obvious?"
"Well, yes," said the preacher. "I announced that the Acosta
family had a newborn baby boy, and would the proud father
please stand up."
+++++++++++++++++++
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine
plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were
caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us.
Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the
worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed,
tubes coming out of everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a
similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. A
couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and
point to himself and say: 'Scottish.'
The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, 'Irish.'
This act tired them out so badly, it was a week before the first summoned up
in strength to say: 'Glasgow.'
Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice 'Dublin.'
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out.
Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say:
'Jimmy.'
Replied the other. 'Paddy.'
A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out
weakly. 'Cancer.'
Paddy responded. 'Sagittarius.'
+++++++++++++++++++
"This boy's making more noise than a couple of skeletons throwing a fit on a
tin roof." - Foghorn Leghorn
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dog Meters"
Two dogs out and about, walk over to a parking meter.
One says to the other, "How do you like that, Sam? Pay toilets."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Definitions of a Bachelor"
* One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
* One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
* One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
* One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
* One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
* One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
* One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
* One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cheap Hearing Aid"
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prince Charles Warning".
YEAR: 19811. Prince Charles got married.2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.4. Pope died.
YEAR: 20051. Prince Charles got married.2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.4. Pope died.
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope.