"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
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Chicken Legs
A man was driving along a rural road, one day, when he saw a three-legged
chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while.
As he was driving, he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. "Pretty fast
chicken," he thought, "I wonder just how fast it can run." So, he sped up
and the chicken did, too!
They were, now, moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped
up, again. To his surprise, the chicken was still running ahead of him at
60 mph!
Suddenly, the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway,
leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw
a man in the yard, and dozens of three-legged chickens.
The man in the car called out to the farmer, "How did you get all these
three-legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya' see, it's me, my wife, and my son
living here, and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only
has two legs, I started breeding this three-legged variety so we could all
eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver. "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know," said the farmer, "we can't catch 'em."
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Here's the exercise program I'm using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
AS ALWAYS, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
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Okay, that's enough for the first day!
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If my body were a car, I would be thinking about trading it in for anewer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and mypaint job is getting a little dull; but that's not the worst of it .... My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They wereonce as sleek as a little MG, but now they look more like an oldBuick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up ALL belts after I discovered Haagen Dazs. Air bags? Forget it ... the only bags I have these days are under my eyes ... not counting the saddle bags, of course. I have SO many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things; but when's the last time an appraiserfactored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently, my 'mpg' is terrible. BUT - here's the worst of it: almost every time I sneeze, cough, or sputter ~ my radiator leaks!
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During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?" The student replied, "Big ones."