"Government Farm Visit"
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer; "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."
The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.
"Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "what should I do?" he screamed helplessly.
The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: "Show him your card!"
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CleanQuote
"Time isn't on my side. It's on my back."
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"Coveting" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said.
"Oh, good," she continued. "Will you be vacating your parking space now?"
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How the Government WorksOnce upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer,then hired two people.Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost."So they laid off the night watchman.
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Very Bad Accident
Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves." "Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey. "Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."
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Taking the final exam
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
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Earth science answers
- The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants. - Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the Atlantic. - The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is Lyme disease. - We don't have rock salt on Guam because that forms from from evaporation of oceans and we don't have oceans on Guam. - Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because it's too cold there. - The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam is greyhounds - they are intelligent. - We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, but not between us and the moon. - The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.
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For The Kids...
Why did the cowboy die with his boots on? Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket! If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?Missile toe! Do you have any invisible ink?Certainly sir. What colour? How is business going?I'm looking for a new cashierBut you only had a new one last weekYes, that's the one I'm looking for!
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Dog for Protection
My sister, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for
protection.
As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her,
"He doesn't like men." Perfect, my sister thought, and took
the dog.
Then one day, two men in a parking lot approached her, and
she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.
Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the
men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.