Fiddle or Violin?
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin.
"Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from
you, it's a fiddle."
+++++++++++++++++++
"50th Anniversary"
At my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Success: How high you bounce when you hit bottom."
- General George Patton
+++++++++++++++++++
"Trusting Advice"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Thunderstorms have rolled through the region, knocking out power temporarily to some of the stores of this supermarket chain. So when a help desk technician gets an emergency page from one store, he figures he knows how to handle it.
Turns out it's not that easy. "When I called the store, a somewhat dippy cashier answered the phone." he says. "The cash registers were all off-line, and when I gave her what I thought were simply instructions to restart the registers, she was having trouble understanding."
The flustered cashier just can't seem to get things working -- until the tech gets an idea.
"At one point the phone clicked, and she told me it was an incoming call on another line," he reports. "She clicked off and answered again right away."
"I said Hi, it's Mark from the help desk."
She said, "Oh, Hi! I have another guy from the help desk on the other line! Can you help me out? I don't understand what he's telling me to do."
I replied, "That guy's name is Mark too, and he is the most knowledgeable person in our department. Just take a deep breath, calm down and let him help you get the registers back up."
Another click.
"Hello, is this Mark? I just had that other Mark on the other line. OK, now tell me again what I need to do...."
+++++++++++++++++++
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants
played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total
number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.
After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The
correct answer is 26 years. For the two people
who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in
seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we
are airborne."
+++++++++++++++++++
crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs
that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put
back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a blonde,
looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. She turned to a
co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
+++++++++++++++++++
When the guy at the door said, "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms," I just
assumed it was more supplies.
+++++++++++++++++++
Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact,
if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories
in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an
eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one
for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole
point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make
a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.
Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort
to control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots
of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now
and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which
you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size
of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have
as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and
one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with
the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all
cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is
just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in
one hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and
screaming,
"WOO HOO what a ride!"