Monday, October 29, 2007

hUMOR For Oct 29th

He was a young Pastor, and as usual, he was running late getting into town
and he was speeding. Then to top it off, he looked in the review mirror only
to see the lights of the Highway Patrol. Already late for church and
figuring he'd try for leniency, he quickly slapped his Bible on the dash of
his car as the trooper walked up to the window and asked to see his drivers
license.

Looking at his name and title on the license, the trooper asked, "You're a
Reverend huh?"

The young Pastor nodded in affirmation.

The trooper then began writing out a speeding ticket and said, "Well,
Reverend, I must say that the Bible on your dash is a nice touch, however,
your speedometer runneth over and you're getting a ticket anyway."

+++++++++++++++++++

My dog and I are working on a new product. It's a combination toilet bowl
cleaner and dog breath freshener.

+++++++++++++++++++

Recent Quips from Late Night
"Last week, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to fight global warming. Congratulations to Al Gore. ... Not to be outdone, today the oil companies named President Bush 'Man of The Year.'" --Jay Leno "In a recent interview, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, said she believes there's a ghost in the White House. Then President Bush told her, 'No sweetheart, that's just your grandmother.'" --Conan O'Brien "They're saying that now Al Gore has won the Nobel prize, Al Gore has a huge international platform to fight global warming. Kind of sad. Today, he stepped on the platform and it collapsed." --Jay Leno "Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. ... This should make up for not getting 'The Price Is Right' job." --David Letterman "America's favorite professional restroom enthusiast, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, has agreed to be interviewed by 'Today Show''s Matt Lauer tomorrow night on NBC. Craig said he wanted to make this his first interview because he feels NBC -- and we're very flattered -- is a well respected news organization that deals fairly with their subjects. He also finds Matt Lauer dreamy. ... At Senator Craig's request, all questions will be scribbled on a piece of toilet paper and discreetly passed to him." --Jay Leno "According to an exclusive interview, Senator Larry Craig said that because of his sex scandal, he's now in 'the toughest fight of his life.' Then Craig added, 'Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get.'" --Conan O'Brien

+++++++++++++++++++

Honest Lawyer?
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Bobby. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Danny," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Bobby. Danny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Bobby. "No, just the regular kind", replied Danny.

+++++++++++++++++++

New Old Sayings
- Anywhere you hang your @ is home. - The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail. - A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. - You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. - Great groups from little icons grow. - Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. - C:\ is the root of all directories. - Don't put all your hypes in one home page. - Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. - The modem is the message. - Too many clicks spoil the browse. - The geek shall inherit the earth. - A chat has nine lives.

+++++++++++++++++++

Last Wishes
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

+++++++++++++++++++

"Mayor Bloomberger wants to plant 1 million trees in New
York City. A million trees. They want to create a whole new
image for Manhattan. From now on, exploding steam pipes will
be called geysers." -David Letterman

***

"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama at the White House.
The Dalai Lama told Bush that he has seen evil first hand.
President Bush said, 'Great...you got to meet Vice President
Cheney.'" -Jay Leno

***

"The second annual Hip-Hop Awards were aired last night by
BET. I noticed a theme in the opening announcements: 'We've
got David Banner, Busta Rhymes, Lil' Boosie, Lil' Mama, Lil'
Kim, Lil' Jon, Lil' Italy, Lil' Debbie, Lil' Orphan Annie,
Lil' House on the Prairie...' It's a Lil' Palooza over there."
-Jimmy Kimmel

+++++++++++++++++++

My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled
to accommodate professional offices. One day he overheard
his receptionist giving directions over the phone. "Remember
the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well, you'll
find us in the meat department."

+++++++++++++++++++

When the graveside service had no more than just finished,
there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a
distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more
lightning.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."

+++++++++++++++++++

Los Angeles

Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from
Denver to Los Angeles.

The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he
was being transferred to LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said.
"Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and
worst of all, the crime. Gangs everywhere, people getting
shot and robbed, things stolen, car jackings, and everyone
hates everyone else."

"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in LA
myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just
not true. You'll find LA is just like any other city,
anywhere in America."

"Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a
lot better. You say you live in LA -- what do you do for a
living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."

+++++++++++++++++++

The Procrastinator Handbook

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.