Wednesday, June 18, 2008

hUMOR For June 18th

Dating Dinosaur Bones

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling
at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me
how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know
their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years
old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

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Weird News

Zoo: Free admission for Mohawk haircuts

MELBOURNE, Fla. (UPI) -- A zoo in Melbourne, Fla., says visitors sporting Mohawks resembling the manes of Visayan warty pigs will get in free during Father's Day weekend.

The zoo said the promotion, aimed at publicizing the new Visayan warty pig exhibit that is to open June 14, will run in addition to a promotion offering free admission for dads on Father's Day, WKMG-TV in Orlando reported Monday.

Male Visayan warty pigs, which were originally native to six Philippine islands but are now found on only two, bear Mohawk-like manes that often grow to more than one foot in length and stand up vertically when the animals are agitated.

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West Virginians offended by Cheney

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney joked about inbreeding in his family Monday and wound up having to apologize to the people of West Virginia.

Cheney, speaking at the National Press Club in Washington, noted his distant relationship with Sen. Barack Obama, the Democratic presidential contender from Illinois. He then said he had a grandmother whose last name was Tyler but was descended from a Cheney.

"So I had Cheneys on both sides of the family, and we don't even live in West Virginia," the vice president quipped.

While that drew laughs from the crowd, it didn't sit well with West Virginia leaders, who demanded, and got, an apology, The Charleston Gazette reported.

"I truly cannot believe that any vice president of the United States, regardless of their political affiliation, would make such a derogatory statement about my state or any state, for that matter," Gov. Joe Manchin said.

Sen. Robert C. Byrd, D-W.Va., said Cheney showed "contempt and astounding ignorance toward his own countrymen."

Rep. Shelley Moore Capito, R-W.Va., called it "exactly the type of stereotyping that we don't need from our elected officials."

Cheney's office extended an apology.

"The vice president's offhand comment was not meant to hurt anyone,'' Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride said. "On reflection, he concluded that it was an inappropriate attempt at humor that he should not have made. The vice president apologizes to the people of West Virginia for the inappropriate remark.''

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Artist claims yeti scalp in Himalayas

OAKER, England (UPI) -- A British artist claims a sketch she made of a legendary yeti was based on alleged witness accounts and a scalp she saw at a Bhutan monastery in the Himalayas.

Polyanna Pickering said a monk old her the scalp, which is kept in a part of the monastery that is closed to visitors, is 100 years old and came from the mythical primate, The Daily Telegraph reported Monday.

"I was told this was from a Migoi -- their name for the yeti. All I know is, it was bigger than any human or ape scalp I have ever seen," Pickering said. "It had tufts of reddish-black fur coming out of it and was mounted on a pole and seen as a holy relic."

Pickering said she sketched the item and expanded on it after speaking with villagers.

"I was amazed when they told me of regular sightings, close encounters and even tales of people being carried off by the Migoi," she said. "Their descriptions were so detailed, I ended up doing this 'photo-fit' with them all sitting round telling me to alter this or how that should look."

Pickering's sketches will be displayed at her Oaker, England, gallery June 9.

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Britain's top bad boss names: John, Anne

LONDON (UPI) -- An online British poll found the most respondents with gripes about their bosses were unhappy with superiors named John or Anne.

The poll of 4,000 Britons, conducted by YouThinkYourBossIsBad.co.uk, found participants were also plagued by bad bosses named Steve, Paul, Alan, Catherine, Debbie and Linda, The Sun reported Monday.

Additionally, 51 percent of those polled said they have left a job in the past because of unpleasant superiors and 10 percent said they are on the verge of quitting their current job due to an unbearable boss.

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Test Today

A teacher entered her classroom and said, "We are going to

have a test today, whether there is rain or sunshine."

Suddenly, a student burst out laughing. "What's the matter?

Why are you laughing?" asked the teacher.

"Because it's snowing!"

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Tricks for a Better Relationship

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

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Last Request

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests?" asked the Chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

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It's Time to Get a New Lawyer When

- The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.

- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

- He begins closing arguments with, "As Denny Crane once said..."

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Buddhist Dog

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

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Dog and Cat Journals

Entries in a dog's journal:

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE THING!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE THING!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE THING!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE THING!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE THING!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE THING!

1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE THING!

1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE THING!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE THING!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE THING!

Entries in a cat's journal:

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time..