Murphy applied for an engineering position ...
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said. Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job" Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."
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Minimum Wage Earner
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
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Candy Dispenser
While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked. As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. "I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."
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Bunion Removal
I went to my podiatrist to have a bunion removed. When the treatment ended, I asked if another appointment would be necessary. He said,"No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back."
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Three Wishes
A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish to be on a beautiful island in the Caribbean."
POOF!
He suddenly appears on a gorgeous beach.
After overcoming his initial surprise, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be waited on hand and foot by beautiful women."
POOF!
A crowd of gorgeous women flock to him, attending his every need.
He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish to never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.
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Old Dan was in his car about two hours out of St. Paul when he was flagged down by a man whose 18-wheeler truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to St. Paul?" "Sure," answered Dan, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back who have to be taken to the St. Paul Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said Dan. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of Dan's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of St. Paul when suddenly he was stunned to see Dan walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.""Yes, I know you did," said Dan," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Mall of the Americas.
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Coach CallAs a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away."Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"The flustered kid replied, "Three."
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"Halo 3 came out today. It's an online video game, which
means while you're playing, you get to meet other Halo fans
from all over the world and kill them." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Apple launched its iPhone in Europe. It's being criticized
for not being European enough — it actually worked the entire
month of August." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Arnold Schwarzenegger got together with Al Gore for a
climate change summit. Even though he's a Republican and Al
Gore's a Democrat, it's good they could talk robot to robot.
Two cyborgs connecting." -Jay Leno
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[Believe it or not this is a boating joke. A small
craft advisory is when the weather is bad enough
that small boats are cautioned not to go out on the
water...in other words the perfect opportunity for
some exciting sailing.]
My creative mother enjoys doing crafts, such as making pot-
pourri boxes decorated with ribbon and lace. Sometimes she
gets so involved that she disappears into her upstairs
workroom for hours, forgetting about more mundane things
---like making dinner.
One evening I arrived home to find the kitchen empty again.
But this time I found a note: "Warning! Small craft advisory:
Buy yourself a pizza."
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My wife and I were making our own funeral arrangements, and
the director showed us into a room in which containers for
ashes were on display.
After we looked at the choices, I asked my wife if she had
decided.
She sighed. "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go
into the ground."
After a moment's pause, however, she continued. "But I really
prefer the blue one. You know I always look good in blue."
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Missed Ferry
This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy
about the ferry. If he missed a ferry late at night, he
would have to spend the next hour or so wandering the
deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from
the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an
hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands
and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a
bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited
a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."
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You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...
*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you *You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked *You grind your coffee beans in your mouth *You sleep with your eyes open *You have to watch videos in fast-forward *You lick your coffee pot clean *Your eyes stay open when you sneeze *The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse *You can type sixty words a minute with your feet *You can jump-start your car without cables *Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low" *You don't sweat, you percolate
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