New Company Policy
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
Company Policy:
February 8, 2007
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
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"Proposal Condition"
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
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Oneliner
"If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings."
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"Boat Names"
A boating magazine ran a contest for clever boat names. The following names reeled in the honors:
Brace Yourself (owned by an orthodontist)
Sir Osis of the River
Aqua Seltzer
Out to Launch
Watertight Alibi (owned by a lawyer)
Meals on Reels
The Merri Yot
and, from a landscape contractor, Yard Buoy.
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"Inspiration"
A lady came to a famous poet and handed him a piece of paper, explaining, "The Lord has given me this poem."
The poet scanned the appalling doggerel she had written, then wadded it up and threw it into the trash with the reply, "The Lord has given, the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord."
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Computer HelpLast week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more."Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?""Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
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My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was
expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was
mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must
have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it
up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two
golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand and
a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut
swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to
lose his ball!"