Cuff Links
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. "They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
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"One of the things the government wants the astronauts to do on the Moon is
look for fuel. See, apparently the Marines didn't find enough in Iraq." -
Bill Williams
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Behind Schedule
The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals." PM's response? "I was told we were already behind schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."
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Kiddie Quickies
My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5." ******************** Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!" ******************** Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"
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You looked a lot like my wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
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AMUSING QUOTE
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
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"Jean Squeeze"
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."
He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.
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Oneliner
"Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy
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CleanPun - "Little Known Illnesses"
AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.
DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.
HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.
HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.
HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.
CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.
VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.
SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.
ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.
OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
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A Lawyer's Story
This is short and fairly good.
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?""There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure and you had died."
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”Lizard Sickness”
One of my friends at work was talking to her five year old grandson who lives in AZ.
The grandson was telling his grandmother about his friend who had a lizard for a pet. He continued on telling her that the lizard was dying. When she asked how he knew it was dying he told her it was really sick. She then asked what the lizard was sick with.
The little boy thought a moment and said, "I think it has reptile dysfunction."
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Bar TabPatrick, an Irish oil worker, is on a job in Alaska up on the North Slope. It's forty below zero one winter night and Patrick is imbibing at his local saloon.The bartender says to him, "Patrick, you owe me quite a bit on your tab.""Sure'n I'm flat broke this week.""That's OK. I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.""But I'm not wantin' any of me friends to see that.""They won't. I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
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Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electricwires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, Iwas assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security
at the scene ofa downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of
this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from
the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to
warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to
protect the public.
Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the
wires, then, laughing, descended toward me."Well, Officer," one of them
said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all
night."
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My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says, "You weren't home last
night. Is something going on?"
I say, "Yeah, Mom. I'm cheating on you with another mother."
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Cul-de-Sac - French for "Through street to landfill not finished yet.