Tuesday, July 15, 2008

hUMOR For Juoly 15th

Illustration - "Procrastinator's Creed"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Procrastinator's Creed

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Career Choices

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Managers and Engineers

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height
of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape
measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape
measures -- the whole thing is just a mess.

A group of engineers arrive and see what the managers are trying to
do. They walk over to the flagpole, pull it out of the ground and lay
it flat on the ground. They measure it from end to end, give the
measurement to one of the managers, and then walk away.

After the engineers have gone, one manager turns to another and
laughs. "Isn't that just like engineers? We're looking for the height
and they give us the length."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Unsuitable Steak

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Unsuitable Steak

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Sure Bet

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fisher of Men

The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.

Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."

"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

America's Independence Day

A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball

games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the

start of each game.

Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday

shortly before Independence Day.

The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after

everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out,

"PLAY BALL!!!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Politically Correct NFL

The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now
on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of
the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football
League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the
upcoming season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall
People on opening day.

Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the
St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering
Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the
showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the
New Orleans Pretty Good People.

The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of
Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes
against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.

The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to
Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.

And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large
Mountain Mammals.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New
England Zealous Lovers of Country.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cabbie in Heaven

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Drunk Excuses

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Tailoring

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.

Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."

After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"

"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."