A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty
crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby
found guilty and fined the sum of $150."
After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer
stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short
at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you
would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
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Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, Where?Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them???!!!"
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"Dog Employee"
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be alarmed. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"
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Oneliner
"The trouble with eating at an all-you-can-eat restaurant is that five or six days later you're hungry again."
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"Ballet Audition"
There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer.When she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town, she harnessed 100 white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater.
The director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told her to go away. "But why," she wailed.
"Because we've got enough pigeon-towed dancers in the company already.
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”Haunted Castle”
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."