About a month ago, I asked any GCF readers that wished, to
participate in a "longest and shortest list" project. I provided the
start of two lists:
(1) Shortest Lists
(2) Longest Lists
Here are the "starter" lists (and no offense is intended!)
SHORTEST LISTS
Complete list of native German Humorists
Complete list of honest politicians
Complete list of book reviews by Paris Hilton
LONGEST LISTS
Complete list of egocentric professional athletes
Complete list of TV viewers tired of reality shows
With that as background, here are the results submitted by 38 readers
of GCF. In this final version I have chosen not to identify the
source of the lists, even though many said it was alright to use their
name, etc.
There were some duplicates and some that were just not fit for
incorporating in the Good Clean Fun list. If you do not see what you
submitted exactly as you sent it to me, it was probably a duplicate
and I combined what I received. I also exercised editorial powers
over the results and changed the wording of some submissions.
So, here is the result:
SHORTEST LISTS
The complete list of:
- Conservative reporters employed by the New York Times.
- Politicians who actually care what you think.
- Men who really understand women and what they want.
- Actors/actresses who have a clue about real life.
- Honest attorneys.
- Movies never nominated for ANY award.
- Lottery winners whose fortunes now exceed their winnings.
- Golfers recording accurate non-tournament scores.
- Drivers never exceeding speed limits
- People who checked out the book titled "How to Teach Yourself to Read."
- School teachers and nurses who are in it for the money.
- Professional wrestlers who are now US Governors.
- Afghan chess masters.
- Tourist attractions of the Gobi Desert.
- Great dance moves from the 70's.
- Arguments a man can win with his wife.
- Rich high school dropouts.
- People who do not use a spell checker.
- Short Answers Attorney's Gave to Questions They Were Asked
- Times Attorney's Listened to Your Answers
- Times Husbands Stopped Driving to Ask for Directions
- Times Husbands said 'What" because They DIDN'T Hear What Their Wives Said
- Times We Listened to Free Good Advice
- Men Who Really Listen to What Their Wives Say
- Women Who Think Their Husbands Really Listen to Them
- Activities my wife thinks I should be doing without her
- Career Opportunities for History Majors
- Feminists with a sense of humor.
- People who have actually gotten off 'spam' lists
- Honest used car salesmen
- Offices that have gone 'paperless'
- Republicans who admit Democrats are sometimes right.
- Democrats who admit Republicans are sometimes right.
- Preachers who think they are long-winded (sent in by a preacher)
- What I need.
- Original plot ideas for movie sequels
- People who can add in hexadecimal
- People who know why the above list matters
- Projects a husband has finished that his wife is completely satisfied with
- Times children have done their chores without a reminder
- Hillary Clinton's Senatorial Achievements
- Rules for training a cat
- French war heroes since 1935.
- Realistic Prices on Necessary Prescriptions
- Differences between Reality and Dilbert
- Excuses made by husbands and accepted by wives
- Facts in advertisements
- 'Spam' emails that are appreciated
- Times that teenagers make their bed
- Diet foods that taste good
LONGEST LISTS
The complete list of:
- Reporters who consider themselves experts on the Iraq war.
- Irritating Volvo drivers.
- Hollywood breakups
- Campaign promises never met
- Addresses on chain letter emails
- Unsolicited advice given by Mothers-in-Law
- Stuff Bill Gates can buy
- People who think gas prices are too high.
- Women who like chocolate.
- Things Wives Repeated That They Had Said to Their Husbands
- Reasons We Give for Saying Something We Wish We Hadn't Said
- Apologies Husbands Make for Something They Said
- Apologies Husbands Make for Something They Didn't Say
- "Brief" things my wife would like for me to do this weekend
- People who use eBay at work
- Preachers who are long-winded (sent in by a preacher)
- What I want.
- Food particles found in a Boy Scout's mess kit right before serving
their next meal
- Ways teenagers upset/offend/confuse their parents
- Things I will do when I retire or win the lottery
- Things my kids want to spend my money on
- Actors/actresses who have been married twice or more
- Places where Jimmy Hoffa is buried
- Shoes in Imelda Marcos' closet
- LMA (List of military acronyms)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Tired and Thirsty"
Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.
The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."
The english student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have latte."
The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If you earnestly believe you can compensate for not having skill by working twice as hard, there is no end to what you can't do."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Complaints"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer. "You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."
"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away
from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum
lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the
distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely
proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly
proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless
it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases
with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher
it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about
it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way
Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only one shopping day left until tomorrow
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R." His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE."