Funeral Procession
My friend, her sister and I were driving in the procession to the
cemetery for the funeral of a distant relative.
"Since we don't really know anybody, do you want to head on home?"
the driver asked.
When the sister nodded, she made a right turn.
We had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road when the driver
happened to look in the rear-view mirror. The rest of the procession
was still following us!
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"Money Date"
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush, "Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
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Oneliner
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
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"Fishing"
Ernie had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four walleye. He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"
"Ok. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
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A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'
mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name
was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about
Verge 'n' Mary."
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A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though
the weather that morning was questionable and clouds
were forming, she made her daily trek to the
elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the
winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her
daughter would be frightened as she walked home from
school and she herself feared that the electrical
storm might harm her child. Following the roar of
thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut
through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly
got into her car and drove along the route to her
child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl
walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the
child would stop, look up and smile. Another and
another were to follow quickly and with each the
little girl would look at the streak of light and
smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child she
lowered the window and called to her, "What are you
doing? Why do you keep stopping?" The child answered,
"I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my
picture."
May God bless you today as you face the storms that
come your way.
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"Card Name"
A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him,
"Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"
The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."
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CleanQuote
"If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth."
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"Choices"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."