"Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man
to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity."
-Karl Marx
***
"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than
others." -George Orwell
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My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a
reference on her resume', which she planned to submit to a
local fast-food restaurant. I agreed.
A few days later she called and asked me to meet her at the
restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she
replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview,
and she told me to bring my references."
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The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house minutes
earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip. As I
backed my own vanload of Scouts out of my garage, I noticed
a pair of hiking boots on the back steps, so I stopped to
retrieve them.
An hour later, we caught up with the first car, which was
parked at a highway rest stop. Seeing me pull up, my assis-
tant Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife just
called on my cell phone," he said. "She asked if you knew
anything about the plumber's boots that were on your back
steps."
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"Waiting for Dark"
Preparing for a family vacation, Kathy and Matt explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"
After a few minutes of peaceful driving, four year old Rachel perked up, "Is it dark yet?"
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Oneliner
"You've got to spend money to lose money."
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CleanPun - "Dress Try"
Customer: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.
Saleslady: I'm sorry, madam, you'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.
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Rush Hour
My friend, a trucker, is often caught in commuter rush-hour traffic.
One morning when everything came to a standstill, he sat high up in
his 18-wheeler singing and whistling.
A passenger in a nearby car, frustrated by the delay, yelled up at my
brother, "What are you so happy about?"
"I'm already at work!" he cheerfully replied.
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Weird News
Management Lesson
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Management lesson?
Always let your boss have the first say.
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Egomaniac
Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
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Retiring
Of course, some people never retire...
Old golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.
Old lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.
Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance.
And bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest.
But what about vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day!
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Dumb Truckers
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
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Common Tools Explained
To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh rats!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
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Yet Another Management Lesson
A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.