We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from
two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I
was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If
they could live here all those years, so can we!" my
husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero,
and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept
the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he
hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to
Florida for the winter."
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We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."
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Women's Bumper Stickers
- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it! - Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time! - Do not start with me. You will not win. - You have the right to remain silent. So please shut up. - All stressed out, and no one to choke!
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Moth Man
A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch. "Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth" "Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?" "The light was on."
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Psychic
I am not a believer in séances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest... I was arrested for striking a happy medium...
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Caller ID Is a Wonderful Thing
The local paper, which I don't bother to subscribe to since
I don't have a bird, calls every couple of weeks to try and
get me to subscribe. With Caller ID this becomes a perfect
opportunity. Here are some of the highlights.
Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.
Me: "OK I'll take a subscription, but I only want it on
weekends."
Them: "What?"
Me: "You want to sell me a subscription. I'll take it, but
only for Saturday and Sunday."
Them: "We only offer it Thursday through Sunday."
Me: "Oh then never mind."
I hang up.
Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.
Me: "I don't want a subscription"
Them: (silence) "What?"
Me: "You are calling to offer me a subscription. I don't
want one."
Them: (silence) "Uh... OK."
I hang up.
Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.
Me: "Hi! Is this Billy-Bob's Gun and Ammo Shop?"
Them: (silence)
Me: "I wanna buy a gun. You got any?"
Them: (silence)
I hang up.
Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.
Me: "Good afternoon, Gainesville Sun circulation department.
How may I help you?"
Them: (silence) "Umm... Sorry. Wrong number."
I hang up.
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This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door,
there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch." She said, "Can I stay
here for a few days?"
"What did you tell her?"
"I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door."
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Nina was at the Motor Vehicle Bureau applying for a driver's license filling
out the forms, when she came to the line "Color of Hair", she put, "L'oreal
Preference 8 1/2B."
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Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102. The Good Die Young.
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Vow of Silence
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, at this monastery, we have all taken a vow of silence, you are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Chief Priest approached him and said, "Brother John, you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."
Brother John thought a moment and said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John," said the
Brother John looked at the Chief Priest and said, "Cold Food." He was assured that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office.
"You may say another two words today," offered the Chief Priest.
"I quit!" said Brother John.
"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
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HOW THE FIGHT STARTEDI rear-ended a car this morning.So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a DWARF!He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I'm not Happy"So, I look down at him and simply say, "Well, which one are you then?". . . And that's when the fight started . . .
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Pick OneOur family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisleone by one.Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said, "So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"