Typo
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there is an error in the first copy, that error will be propagated to all of the other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from these copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what the problem is and in a choked voice the head monk replies...
"The word is celebrate."
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There's no doubt that we need all the doctors we can get.
If we didn't have them, what would happen to all the old
magazines?
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I have a lot of 'sweet chariot' stocks. The minute I buy
them they 'swing low!'
***
"My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps
scribbling in her diary."
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"Gifts For Men"
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #7:Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8:Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts.Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9:Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."
Rule #11:Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12:Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13:Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.
Rule #14:It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15:Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.
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CleanQuote
"Jesus paid the price. You get to keep the change."
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Life Insurance"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life insurance salesman asked his client."What do you mean?" countered the woman."If you should lose your husband, what would you get?" asked the salesman.The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a poodle."
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"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single
word of what I am saying." -Oscar Wilde
[I can sympathize.]
***
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person
brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were
realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist,
realizing that the conductor did not know what he was
doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a
delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor,
highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra,
demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"
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Innovative Uses for Fruitcake
- Hold up your car when changing tires - Slice and use for poker chips - Use it to carve your turkey on - Use as replacement for Duraflame log - Take it camping with you...use it to weigh down the tent - Use it as a seat at a stadium event - Stand on it when you change a lightbulb - Put it in the back of your car/truck for snow/ice driving - Replaces free weights when you work out - Use as book ends at the school library
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Military Time
My wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall. "He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised. With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
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First Ham
A young couple got married. When the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the pan. Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know - it's what my mother always did. But I can ask her." She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same." They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."
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Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
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Language Tip
Donna was new in town, and still trying to find her way around.
She walked up to a man standing outside the CFCC building.
"Can you tell me where the library's at?" she asked.
Proff. Vernon Allen stared down at her, raised his eyebrows, and said in his stuffiest voice, "Young lady, it is not proper to end a sentence with a preposition."
Donna stared back at him.
Then she said, "Can you tell me where the library's at, jerk?"
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"Piedmont Doors"
We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.
Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."
He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."
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Oneliner
Christmas is weird- what other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
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Specialty Store"
I was travelling to Seattle on business. Knowing how the weather is up there (and lacking the proper clothing), I went to a local outdoor shop for a inclement weather clothing. Not finding what I was looking for, I went to another. Then another. Finally, a salesman suggested that I go to Rudolph's.
"Rudolph's?" I said, surprised. "Do you mean the Russian specialty store?"
To which the salesman answered, "Rudolph the Red knows rain gear."