A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2000
ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."
The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time.
Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"
The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the
congregation council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."
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Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving
them prune juice in Holy Communion.
When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said,"If the Holy
Spirit won't move you--the prune juice will!"
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"No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly than
the one who's giving it." - Hal Chadwick
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Early one winter morning while listening to the radio, Leroy and his wife Carol hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Carol goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,"We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Carol goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says" We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park... " Then the electric power goes out.
Carol is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love & understanding in his voice, like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Leroy says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.?"
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Bad Dan … BAD!
Our Lord gave his life on Calvary’s hill so that we might be forgiven of our transgressions. The gospel invites God’s children (which includes me, despite what you say, Dan) to live in accordance with the Master’s teachings and His word. Therefore, you are forgiven for the horrible lies spread by your emails – especially those regarding Pixie. May I suggest that you now take your sin to god and seek His forgiveness – since that’s where it really counts!
You are forgiven, brother … just NEVER do such a thing again. As the saying goes, fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. We were on to the lying little boy in Dan this time but such tails remain hurtful given that they are laced with just enough plausibility and fact to cause concern.
Enjoy the warmth now being experienced by the populace of MN!
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Dan was flying from Minneapolis to Orlando. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Atlanta along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.Everybody got off the plane except Dan who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell Dan was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.The man could also tell Dan had flown this very flight many times before because the pilot approached him, called him by name, said, "Dan, we are in Atlanta for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Dan replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs and take a leak."Picture this:All the people in the gate area came to complete silence when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses! People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
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"Shoebox Dolls"
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about..
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
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"Return Policy"
The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as well as throughout the store. Every receipt also had the same information. A store credit would be given on all returns, but there were no cash refunds.
After explaining this policy to the grouchy dowager, the woman blew up at the clerk, finally demanding the name of the President and his address. The clerk replied George Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.
The woman promptly wrote this information down and stuffed it into her purse. "He will hear from me!" she announced as she stormed out of the store.
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Oneliner
"My mind works like lightning; one brilliant flash and it is gone."
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"Entomologist Tenure"
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university, he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always packed, and two years ago he was honored by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful research project in several years. The last paper that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of "Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation, particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his research grants would not be renewed for the coming year. And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless he had a paper accepted for publication by a major entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the past, this had always had been effective in relieving tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a parasite. But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals, not plants. He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before. He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure. And, he received a new major grant to study this new species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.