Friday, September 30, 2005

hUMOR For Sept 30th

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Cat Petting
We moved into an apartment while we were looking for a place that would let us keep our pets. We could not have our pets at our apartment, so my brother-in-law kept our cat for us until we could find a place that would let us keep him.
One day he came home after dark and saw the cat on the porch eating. He reached down to pet him and while he was petting him he looked over toward the fence where he saw MY cat sitting. Looking back around to see what he was petting he realized that it was a raccoon that had came up to eat the cat food. After that the cat was fed in the house.
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"I ran out of ice cream bars the other day, and I cried. Then I remembered Alexander the Great, and how he wept when there were no more worlds to conquer. How very much alike we are, I thought." - Michael Thompson
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Thanks to Lee Quinn for today's Illustration. - Advice
A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."
Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with."
The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."
"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."
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Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though
they've been around for more than 50 years, the members of
the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us? With apologies to the late Charles
Schulz:

Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in
manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.

Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item
on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is
actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. The only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.

Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.

Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.

Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Babboo. Sells Mary Kay.

Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her
fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."

Snoopy:
In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've
happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy
Hill Puppy Farm in Snoopy's memory.
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A blonde to a long-distance telephone operator: "Could
you please tell me the time difference between Taipei
and Las Vegas?"

Operator: "Just a minute..."

Blonde: "Thank you," and with that she hung up.
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TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PREACHER
NEEDS A VACATION

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday
morning are "alright, listen up you heathens..."

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda
Shorts and a Tank Top

4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why
can't they just leave me alone?!"

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand
Canyon

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your
heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal
problem to me."

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PREACHER NEEDS A VACATION

1. For the past two months he has preached the same
sermon every Sunday.