"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it
logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the
address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification number of every car I've ever owned... but I
forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed
to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so
that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize
it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
+++++++++++++++++++
Combined Services
Everyone knows that it has been possible to send cable TV signals and
broadband Internet signals together using the same lines. Telephone
communications and DSL have been using the same lines for years but now, for
the first time ever, fresh water and sewage will use the same lines as well.
The town of Traf, Indiana will be the first to take this leap of modern
technology. The mayor of Traf and part time village idiot, George
Gustopholonilovitlh said, "This is a positive step in the right direction.
Using the cost effective force of flushing individual toilets, we will
eliminate expensive pumping stations and water towers."
When asked about the health ramifications of mixing fresh drinking water and
sewage in the same pipes, the mayor stated, "We intend to use only the left
side of the pipes for sewage and the right side for fresh water. People will
just need to be careful and only use the faucet on the right." The mayor
went on the say that area farmers love the idea since they can now water
their fields and fertilize at the same time.
+++++++++++++++++++
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm andtalked with the old farmer. "I'm going to inspect your farm."The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."The Ag representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority ofthe U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go whereverI wish on agricultural land." So, the old farmer went about his farm chores.Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department ofAgriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was thefarmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a full nest of hornets and thebull was gaining! at every step. The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Business ProblemWe were driving the other day and passed a business that was obviously having troubles beyond money. Their outdoor sign in front of the building read:$T0P $T3AL1NG 0UR L3TT3R$!